Caolan was sexually abused by a Catholic brother but he confessed it as his sin
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Caolan and his family were devout Catholics who attended Mass every week.
He was happy to be sent to a church boarding school because he believed anything connected with his religion must be good. But he was subjected to sexual abuse by several of the Catholic brothers, which caused him lasting damage and destroyed his faith.
Caolan’s early life in the 1950s was not easy, because his father deserted the family. At a young age Caolan went to work on a local farm, and did not attend school regularly until he was sent to a Catholic boarding school at the age of 13.
At first he loved his new school and being with the other boys. But one night he woke to find one of the Catholic brothers, A, sitting on his bed wearing only his underpants. Brother A was fondling Caolan, but fled when the boy shouted out.
Some time later, Brother A trapped Caolan in a room and demanded that he take his clothes off. He threatened Caolan by holding him at the throat and then masturbated.
Caolan was extremely distressed and ran away from the school. He wandered the streets and slept in a shed until he was found and returned. After this, the sexual abuse escalated, involving two more of the brothers. This involved masturbation and sexual touching. One of the perpetrators used to give Caolan gifts, such as sweets and cigarettes.
Caolan remembers that he didn’t know how he felt about what he was experiencing; these were his first ever sexual encounters and he was very confused. He adds that when he went to confession, he didn’t know how to explain the abuse, so he said that he had ‘done something terrible’.
He discovered that the Catholic brothers were sexually abusing other pupils at the school. A younger boy told him that one of the brothers had taught him ‘how to have sex’. He became so incensed by this that he punched one of the brothers in the face and received a severe beating as a punishment.
Caolan ran away from school and was picked up by the police. The police told Caolan that if he admitted some offences which he hadn’t committed, they would not send him back to the school. He explains that when he was growing up, it was not unusual for the police to coerce youngsters from poor backgrounds to make false confessions.
He was sent to prison for one month when he was in his early teens, and then to another Catholic school. Here, he experienced similar sexual abuse and again, he ran away.
After a spell at a third school, Caolan went to live with a close relative. By this time, he says, he was ‘a psychological total nervous wreck’. He had nightmares every night which caused him to scream. He also suffered from various mental health issues and other disorders.
He started drinking and was repeatedly arrested for being drunk and disorderly and brawling with the police. He was sent to prison and later to an institution for the ‘criminally insane’.
Caolan still lives with the impact of the sexual abuse he suffered as a boy. The nightmares and depression have never gone away. For a time, he achieved success in some areas of his life and held a responsible job.
However, a few years ago, publicity surrounding sexual abuse in the Roman Catholic Church brought back all his traumatic memories. He began gambling, and lost his job, his savings and his home.
Caolan considers that he paid a terrible price for the abuse he suffered. He never had children, because he could not face bringing his own child into this world.
Because of his experiences, Caolan lost his religious faith and feels strongly about wrongdoing committed by individuals in the Catholic Church, and the institution itself.
He believes that some Catholic brothers at the schools he attended were sexually repressed, and emotionally and mentally disturbed. He still feels horrified that they were placed in charge of vulnerable children, and he worries that this continues today.
Caolan feels that the cries of victims of the Catholic Church abuse ‘fall on deaf ears’. He comments that the Pope and the Catholic Church could have saved many children, but instead spend their time living in opulent splendour and ‘waving to adoring crowds’.