Mari is not sure how she found the courage to help others, but she thought ‘Why not me?’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Mari had an extremely difficult childhood. Her parents were sent to prison for neglecting their children.
She was taken into care, where she was sexually abused.
Mari has early memories of being sexually abused by a relative and other men in her neighbourhood. She remembers several incidents when men exposed themselves to her, or touched her. But Mari says she wanted to protect her little sister, so she just walked on.
She remembers people in authority visiting the family, who were living in what was described as ‘appalling squalor’. After her parents were prosecuted, the children were sent to a care home.
Here, a gardener befriended her and she liked looking at the flowers he grew. One day he took her into a shed, saying he had something to show her. He masturbated on her thighs. She was worried she would get into trouble because she had ‘a mess’ on her clothes.
Mari didn’t tell anyone. ‘Who would you tell?’ she says. ‘We were all there from different backgrounds and no one believed what you said anyway.’
After she had been in the children’s home for a while, Mari had to attend court when her parents were released from prison. She says the judges were ‘very stern’ and she remembers feeling as if she had been naughty. She comments ‘There was no way of knowing it wasn’t your fault’.
Mari was returned back to her parents. She says her parents were ‘a bit less brutal, but that doesn’t mean they were nice to us’.
At the age of 10, she had a breakdown and was sent to a psychiatric hospital.
When she was discharged from hospital she was sent to a boarding school for ‘maladjusted girls’. In fact, she was very happy there. She describes all the girls as having problems, but says ‘we cared for each other’, and there were lots of activities to enjoy.
However, she did not like being separated from her family. She says ‘No matter how they are, they are still your link and you need a place in the world … those attachments are difficult to let go of’.
When she was in her early teens, she started going back home at weekends. At this stage, her parents began sexually abusing her. They started getting into the bed with her, touching and cuddling her, and telling her she was beautiful. She had never experienced that sort of affection from them before and it made her feel confused and conflicted. She says ‘I hated myself cos I enjoyed it’.
The abuse escalated until her father began raping her. She says she was unable to disobey him… ‘You wouldn’t dare.’ Her mother continued abusing her too.
Mari became pregnant and had to have an abortion, which physically damaged her. She says she would not let her father go near her after this and she ran away from home.
Mari says that her parents robbed her of ‘ordinary things a child had’. She did not continue her education after she left school in her mid teens. She says she has always felt that everything is her fault and she suffers from self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness.
She has been having therapy for many years and says her mental health has improved dramatically.
Mari has established a service to support others who have been sexually abused and is an advocate for vulnerable people.
She says ‘Despite what you go through, you can come out into the light’.