Darren says that being abused distorted his idea of what was ‘normal’ in relationships
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Darren was sexually abused as a child when he lived in military accommodation.
His behaviour deteriorated as a result, and because he was considered to be ‘bad’. He thought no one would believe him if he spoke about the abuse.
Darren’s father served in the armed forces and his family lived on a military estate.
Darren explains that as a child he was left to fend for himself to a great extent. He finds it very difficult to discuss the details of what happened to him, but says that the sexual abuse he experienced started when he was six or seven years old and continued throughout his childhood.
He remembers being locked in an old air raid shelter and being made to promise not to tell anyone about the abuse.
His life at home and at school became increasingly difficult. He was bullied at school and got into trouble regularly. He knows he was very disturbed because of the abuse but thought he would not be believed if he told anybody because he was considered ‘bad’.
His parents had no time for him, and he did not feel he could tell them either.
Social workers visited him at home because he was getting into trouble. He remembers feeling desperate to tell someone that he was being abused, but his mother said, ‘You don’t want them to take you away do you?’ and he kept quiet.
Darren feels that being abused gave him a ‘skewed view’ of his sexuality that made him vulnerable to further abuse. He says ‘I didn’t have any benchmark of normality’.
As a teenager he got a job, and a man in the workplace groomed him and abused him. This man also introduced him to a group of men that he considered to be his friends at the time, but now sees that they were just interested in ‘trading me’.
Darren left school early and moved out of his home. His life became increasingly chaotic and unstable. He started using drugs, became involved in prostitution and he thinks he sought out abusive relationships because he thought they were ‘normal’.
As well as the emotional and psychological damage Darren has suffered, he also lives with several medical issues.
After many years, he reported the sexual abuse to the police and his case was investigated. He says he was surprised that he was believed.
He feels now that ‘life is just starting’ although he sometimes worries that ‘any minute it’s just going to dissolve and go back’. He feels fairly safe where he lives and has been receiving therapeutic support which is very helpful.