Amber describes herself as ‘a child that wasn’t wanted’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Amber was born in the Caribbean in the late 1950s and came to join her mother in the UK when she was six years old.
Her mother subjected her to relentless cruelty and did nothing to protect her from being sexually abused by the man she thought was her father.
Amber explains that her mother had a difficult upbringing in a family where sexual and physical abuse was rife. When her mother moved to the UK, she left Amber behind with relatives, but sent for her after a few years.
Within about a year of Amber arriving, her mother’s husband began sexually abusing her when her mother was doing night work. This continued every time her mother went to work, until one night when he came into her room and she screamed at him.
Amber told her mother what had been happening, but her mother’s husband denied it and after an argument between the couple, ‘things carried on as normal’. Her mother told Amber to treat the abuser with respect and to call him her father.
Before Amber told her mother about the sexual abuse, she says, her mother hadn’t been ‘perfect’ and there had always been harsh physical discipline, but ‘she had always been there for her children’.
But after her disclosure, Amber was singled out for particular abuse and cruelty. She was not allowed to use the washing machine, and had to wash her clothing and bed sheets by hand. Her mother would not buy her sanitary protection.
Her brothers were given cereal or sausages and bacon for breakfast, but Amber always had to have porridge. She was not allowed to watch television and was sent to her room after the evening meal.
Amber used to read a lot, but she says her mother ‘realised she wasn’t being spiteful enough’ and she took the lightbulb out of the room. If Amber opened the door to let in some light, her mother would shut it.
She says that she doesn’t think her mother even knew why she was doing these things, but guesses she was frustrated with her husband, and was taking it out on Amber.
When Amber was about 12 she reported her mother to a child protection agency. She was too afraid to tell them about the sexual abuse, but she told them about the beatings. However, after they examined her for physical marks, they found none and took no action.
Amber left home when she was in her mid teens. She slept out for a few nights, then a landlord attempted to sexually abuse her until she found safer accommodation. Here, she received a visit from a man who told her he was her natural father. She had previously thought he was her uncle. She later discovered from other family members that he was a sexual abuser and a paedophile.
The abuse had an enormous impact on Amber’s life. She describes how she felt ‘tormented for years and years’, unable to tell anyone about the abuse for fear she would be judged.
She attempted suicide as a teenager and suffers from feelings of guilt, low self-esteem and low self worth. She feels that people take advantage of her and that to her, being abused is just ‘what relationships are like’.
Amber would like people in authority to question children carefully if they think they are being abused, and listen carefully to the answers.