Amelie says there should be more rigorous scrutiny of foster parents
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Amelie suffered sexual and emotional abuse by the biological daughter of her foster parents.
Amelie’s foster mother threw her out when Amelie told her what her daughter was doing.
Amelie was fostered when she was two years old. She was placed with a couple who had a daughter of their own, called Julie. Julie was about seven years older than Amelie.
Amelie describes herself as a nervous child. When she was about nine, Julie started playing games with Amelie that led to sexual and emotional abuse. The older girl tricked her foster sister into taking her clothes off, then humiliated her and called her names.
Julie then began taking Amelie to hidden places in the garden and forcing her to touch her sexually. Again, Julie would verbally abuse Amelie afterwards.
Once, when Amelie was frightened after a dream, Julie told her to get into bed with her. Amelie wanted comfort and did so, but Julie performed a sex act on her.
The older girl found ways to provoke Amelie to make her react angrily, then threatened to tell her mother. By doing this, Julie was able to coerce Amelie into doing what she wanted.
She says ‘I thought I was doing what she wanted and when she called me dirty, I didn’t understand’.
Amelie says this made her feel the abuse was all her fault.
Items in the house were often damaged or went missing, and Amelie was usually blamed. She says that although she hadn’t done anything, she found it was easier to accept responsibility rather than argue.
When Amelie was 11, she learned that her biological father had passed away. Her foster mother did not give her any comfort or support, but told the school that if Amelie appeared upset, she was probably ‘attention seeking’.
About a year after this, the foster mother began ‘bribing’ Amelie in exchange for information on what Julie was doing, and Julie would give Amelie alcohol and cigarettes to persuade her not to tell her mother anything. Amelie describes feeling powerless. ‘I was being used as a go-between them.’
Amelie was self-harming and was being bullied at school. She stole money to give to some other girls, in an attempt to ‘buy’ some friends. Her foster mother got the police to talk to her, which terrified her.
Amelie says she had regular contact with social workers but she always felt they saw her as ‘a naughty child’. She says ‘I didn’t trust them or feel able to confide in them’. She was sent to see a child psychologist but her foster mother was always present during the sessions. ‘I had no one to turn to or to talk to, to say what was going on’ she adds.
When she was in her mid teens, Amelie told her foster mother what Julie had been doing to her. Her foster mother did not believe her and had Amelie removed from the placement. ‘When I was kicked out for telling the truth, I felt I had been abandoned again. I should have known she was never going to believe me … Julie was her daughter’ Amelie says.
Amelie says that she dealt with the abuse during her childhood by hiding her emotions and keeping a smile on her face. ‘I just wanted to be left alone’ she says.
As an adult, Amelie still can’t let herself show her emotions. ‘I feel like it’s a weakness’ she says, adding that she thinks if people see how she is feeling, they will use it against her.
She has suffered from mental health problems and used to drink heavily. She got involved in an abusive relationship and her children were taken into care.
Amelie says that many professionals seem to believe that people who have been abused will go on to abuse others. She would like social workers to take more time and care talking to children and building trust, which can take years, she says.
She would also like to see rigorous supervision of foster parents. ‘Just because they have their own children, it doesn't make them good parents’ she says.
Amelie attends a victims and survivors group and also volunteers for them. She says survivor-led support is very helpful. ‘It’s not just for so many weeks; it’s there when you need it’ she says.
She also feels supported by her church.