Amoya says ‘My wings are broken but I am going to mend them’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Amoya was sexually and emotionally abused by her stepfather.
For decades, she has felt unsupported and ‘shut down’ by her family, but she says by speaking to the Truth Project ‘I am taking back the power’.
Amoya is of Caribbean heritage, and she wants to highlight that she believes that in her community, child sexual abuse is often denied.
She grew up with her mother, stepfather, one sister and one half sister. She describes her childhood as chaotic; she loved her mother very much but the family suffered at the hands of her stepfather, Harry, who she describes as ‘a monster’.
When Amoya was about 11 years old, her mother had to go away for a while, and the three girls were left in the care of Harry. She doesn’t remember how it came about, but she and her sister ended up being put to bed with Harry. Her half sister was not in the room.
During the night, she woke to find him pulling her towards him; she has a vivid memory of his big hands, and then ‘something was inside me’.
Afterwards, she says, she remembers going into a foetal position. She says ‘He took away my innocence and destroyed it; it has affected me so badly’.
Amoya relates how she felt compelled to try and carry on with her life as if nothing had happened, but her behaviour changed significantly. However, no one questioned this; instead she was labelled ‘the crazy one’ by teachers at school.
When she was about 12, she says, ‘I was shipped to a school for kids with behavioural problems’. At home, intimidated by threats and controlling behaviour by her stepfather, she says she did as she was told. Harry dictated what the girls were allowed to wear, and he told Amoya he would put her in a home.
She says that he raped her twice, and he subjected her mother to constant abuse. She says she never told her mother what Harry had done to her. ‘I was protecting her’, she says.
Amoya says she went on ‘not knowing the effects it had on me. I did not understand what was going on with my body, or my behaviour. Being labelled as a young child … it was awful ... it was a cry for help but at the time I didn’t know’.
In her late teenage years, she was sent for therapy, but she says that it was not at all helpful and ‘sexual abuse wasn’t spoken about then’.
It was more than 10 years before she told some of her relatives that Harry had sexually abused her, but she says, ‘I was shut down. This happens a lot in black families … people don’t talk about it … maybe they are afraid of repercussions’.
She adds that some of her relatives are angry with her for speaking about the abuse and she believes that Harry also abused her sister. She says she understands it may be painful for them, but she feels the lack of support from her family is another form of abuse.
She recently had some counselling which she found very helpful, and it prompted her to visit her stepfather and confront him about the abuse.
She says ‘I felt empowered that day; I am not a victim, I am a survivor’.
Amoya walked away and broke down in tears, then soon after she reported Harry to the police. She is not critical of the investigation, but they have told her they regret the case will not proceed due to Harry’s failing health. She says ‘I am crushed; I feel he has got away with it’.
Describing the impact that the sexual abuse has had on her life, Amoya says it has made it hard for her to trust people, she feels very uncomfortable with men and conflicted about her sexuality. It has affected her physical and mental health, and the way she feels about her body.
She feels guilty that Harry may have abused others. Her relationships with her family are fractured, and she gets distressed thinking about what her mother, who has passed away, went through.
She says ‘So much goes through my head … would I have been successful? … there was so much I wanted to do’.
Amoya feels strongly that professionals involved with children must make an effort to notice their behaviour and listen to them. ‘They know more than you. They must be heard. I was not.’
She says if someone at school had asked her if she was ok, instead of labelling her, ‘I might not be sitting here today’.
She says having therapy has helped her realise ‘I did nothing wrong … he took advantage of me and I will not let him destroy my life anymore’.
She is training to be a counsellor and wants to write a book. She says ‘If I can help just one person I will say “job done’’’.