Asad says ‘It would have helped at the time if someone had told me it wasn’t my fault’
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Asad was sexually abused by a figure of authority in his religious community.
Decades later, he is still trying to overcome his feelings of self-loathing and guilt about the abuse.
Asad is an Asian man who grew up in a Muslim family. Attending mosque was an important part of family life.
There was a trainee Imam at the mosque, who was in his late 20s. Asad explains that like all Imams, this man was held in great respect by the community. He befriended Asad’s family and would walk the children to and from the mosque. Asad says this made him feel ‘special’.
The Imam arranged to take Asad and one of his brothers to his home town for a few days’ break and Asad remembers him taking them to a park.
One evening, when they were back home, Asad and his family went to their mosque for an all-night prayer session. He is not certain exactly how old he was, but knows he was under 12. He became tired and was allowed to go and sleep in a bed.
Asad was woken by someone rubbing his legs and bottom. The next thing he knew, a man tried to kiss him on the lips and he realised it was the Imam.
Asad says ‘I remember the stubble … it felt theatrical – like in the movies how people kiss passionately’. He adds that he had never kissed anyone before. He says he did not feel threatened but he felt very confused.
The Imam tried to perform oral sex on Asad and he also remembers the man putting lotion on his bottom. He now realises the Imam ejaculated on him.
Decades later, Asad is still profoundly affected by this experience of child sexual abuse by a trusted authority figure, and he describes his feelings with insight. He knows that at the time he was being abused he sensed the arrogance of the abuser, but he didn't feel threatened.
It makes him angry that he did not consider that what the Imam was doing was wrong. He suffers with feelings of guilt and self-loathing and worries that in some way his response to the abuse was ‘feeding’ the abuser.
He says ‘I’ve hated myself for that over the years’.
Asad also feels angry that his first sexual experience was with a ‘pervert’ and describes how unsure he felt with his first girlfriend.
He doesn’t like being touched in certain places and he feels ‘dirty’ after sex and disconnected from his partner. He finds relationships difficult and is now divorced. Caring for his children brought back disturbing memories for him.
Asad’s career has been affected – more than once he has made progress, but then sabotaged his success. He says he doesn’t feel worthy of anything going right for him and only feels secure when ‘my back is against the wall … when things are good, I panic because I think “I don't deserve this”’.
He suffers with feelings of panic at night and his sleep is often disturbed.
Asad did tell his mother about the abuse but says she did not know how to handle it and ‘shrugged it off’. After the death of a close family member, he says he ‘lost the plot’ and disclosed details of the sexual abuse he had suffered to his GP.
He was referred for therapy but only saw one person for one session. Asad has since read his medical notes. He was appalled by some of the comments made by the therapist, to the effect that having been abused was in some way ‘a blessing’ because it had given Asad ‘self-knowledge’.
Asad says ‘This was from a person who was in a profession who was supposed to help me’. He has not sought any more counselling since this incident.
He did not receive any guidance, advice or support that would have enabled him to report the abuse to the police.
Asad describes how he still feels vulnerable, alienated and frequently intimidated. Recently, he says, he has tried to question the judgements he previously made about himself. He still feels guilty and that the abuse was his fault, but is asking himself why he should be the one in the wrong.
He adds it would have been a great help to have someone ‘putting their arm around me and saying “It's not your fault ... it’ll be all right”. I think that’s the only thing I wanted’.
Asad is concerned that he has isolated himself from many friends and family members, but says he does have some people around him who are helping him through. ‘I don't want to do this on my own. Otherwise I'll die an old man with no one around me. Why? Because someone messed about with me.’