After his father sexually abused a child, Asher was himself sexually abused by a member of his foster family
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Asher’s young life was blighted twice over by sexual abuse.
He now uses his experiences to mentor troubled young people and support victims and survivors.
Asher grew up in the 1970s and 80s, in a large family, in what he describes as ‘quite a rough upbringing in a violent sort of neighbourhood’.
When he was about six years old, the police knocked on the door and took his father away. He found out later from reading a newspaper article that his father had been sent to prison for sexually abusing his sister.
Asher says that as a small boy, his father was his hero, so this event ‘smashed my world to bits’.
His mother already suffered from depression and his father’s conviction caused her to spiral down further into a mental health crisis. Asher has graphic memories of witnessing her attempt to take her own life twice, before he and his brothers were taken by social workers and placed in care in the same foster home.
He also has traumatic memories of visiting his father in prison, but at the time he did not know why he was there. The house was often under attack by ‘vigilante’ types.
Asher says the foster carers were ‘pleasant’, but the household was chaotic with lots of foster children sleeping in bunk beds squeezed into rooms in their small house.
Asher shared a room with the foster carer’s son, who was about 18 or 19 years old and in the armed forces. The son sexually abused Asher over about a year, whenever he came home to stay. The abuse included sexual assault and rape.
Asher describes how painful it was and how confused he was about what was happening. He says he used to think ‘Is this what every kid goes through?’ The abuser threatened Asher that if he talked about the abuse he would tell everyone Asher had led him on, and that he was gay.
Sometimes he was terrified by the foster carer’s son bursting into the bedroom at night wearing his army gear, and brandishing a weapon.
Surprisingly, when his father was released from jail and initially placed in a hostel for sex offenders, Asher was allowed to visit. At the same time, he was visiting his mother who was being treated in a secure mental health unit, and he comments ‘It was more secure than where my dad was’.
When his father and mother were both released, social services asked Asher which of them he wanted to live with. Reasoning that his mother was the one who placed him in foster care, he chose to live with his father. They were rehoused, in deprived and squalid conditions, but Asher says it was ‘brilliant’ to be away from the abuse in the foster home.
The family became very divided because Asher’s mother and sisters hated his father, and he felt very guilty about that.
Again, Asher experienced vigilante-type attacks and abuse from the local community and school pupils.
Asher was targeted by a gang of young men who were known to be involved in crime. He reported this to social services during one of his regular appointments, but they said they didn’t believe him.
Asher describes how when he was being sexually abused in the foster home, he developed techniques to disassociate, and he carried on using this to try and cope with the threats and bullying he faced throughout his childhood.
He says he cried every day. He left school without any qualifications. ‘My day-to-day survival was more important than education’ he says.
Despite this, Asher managed to build a career in the emergency services.
When he was in his mid-30s, he decided to report the abuse to the police. This was not a good experience. After a long and emotionally exhausting interview, he was asked to repeat the process because the recording equipment had failed. He says that being given two leaflets was the extent of the support he received.
When the case went to court, Asher was shocked to find himself in the same waiting area as the man who had abused him. The court process made him feel as if he was on trial. He says ‘It was an assassination of character’. His barrister didn’t engage with him and at one point he was reduced to tears. ‘I felt like a case number; a bit of meat’ he says.
The case was heard twice, and resulted both times in a hung jury. Asher appreciates that it may have been difficult to secure a conviction, but says he was so devastated by the whole experience ‘I did not come out of my room for three months’.
Asher has had counselling, which he says has ‘helped massively’ with the PTSD and depression he suffered as a result of his early experiences.
He feels strongly that there needs to be more understanding and support for victims and survivors in the justice system, and he is working to help bring about these changes. He says that some people who know him are surprised that he is prepared to speak about his experiences, but he asks ‘What better way to bring about change?’
Asher’s experiences have shown him that the families of perpetrators are often treated like perpetrators themselves. He says they can be victims, in a different way, and he feels passionately that they need support.
He is also a mentor for disadvantaged young people and an active member of a survivors’ support organisation. He has a happy family life. ‘For me it has turned out well and I know not everyone is so fortunate’ he says.