Barbara says ‘I want my voice heard, I want it on record … I am not the child in the police station’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Barbara was a little girl when her happy life was shattered by the death of her mother. While trying to cope with her loss and grief, she was sexually abused by her adult stepbrother.
Within a year of her mother’s death, Barbara’s father had remarried, and her life changed dramatically.
Barbara had been used to her mother and father being very loving and affectionate. But after the loss of her mother, her father shut down emotionally and she was shown no love or affection again.
Barbara’s new stepmother had children of her own. They were older than Barbara and always prioritised over her. She says her own mother had been extremely house proud, but her stepmother and her children ‘came to our house and made it a slum’.
The family home was not big enough to accommodate its new residents. Barbara kept her own bedroom, but her new stepbrother and his wife had to sleep in the living room.
Barbara remembers how difficult this period in her life was, coping with the loss of her mother, the lack of warmth and affection and the feeling of being left out of the family.
Her stepbrother, Maurice, began to show her attention and affection, which she wanted at first, but now recognises was grooming.
She was about 10 years old when the abuse began. She recalls how Maurice would come into her bedroom at night while the others were downstairs watching television. Maurice started by telling her the ‘facts of life’. He progressed to sexually abusing her, including forcing her to perform oral sex.
She did not tell anyone about the abuse. She says her stepbrother did not threaten her not to tell, but ‘I felt ashamed and there was no one I could go to, no one to tell’.
The sexual abuse continued for about 18 months. During this time Barbara was encouraged by her stepmother to go out driving with Maurice. She remembers not wanting to do this, but the alternative was staying with her stepmother.
On one trip with Maurice, they were parked in a field when two cars drew up. Maurice was taken in one car and she was taken in the other to a police station where she was interviewed by two female police officers.
Barbara remembers being frightened and crying, feeling as if she was being treated as a criminal and having no idea why she had been picked up by the police. She found the police women unsympathetic.
They asked her what Maurice had been doing to her and Barbara started to tell them about Maurice telling her the ‘facts of life’, but she felt judged and looked down upon.
She remembers thinking, ‘Everyone will know about this’, and was worrying about what was happening to Maurice and what would happen to her. She did not tell the police about the abuse.
After about an hour, Barbara’s stepmother and Maurice’s wife came to the police station to collect her. She heard one of the police women ask if she was ‘backward’, and that still makes her feel angry. Maurice’s wife held Barbara’s hand on the journey home, but neither of them spoke to her.
Barbara remembers being sent to bed when they got home. Maurice and his wife had moved out by the following morning. Barbara was made to apologise to her father, ‘as though it was all my fault’, and she heard her stepmother warning people to be careful of her as ‘she nearly broke up my son’s marriage’.
Maurice continued to visit the family home and on one occasion she recalls him knocking on her bedroom door. She was so frightened she shouted to her stepmother, who denied that Maurice had knocked and made Barbara apologise.
This abuse has had a significant impact on Barbara’s life, including her marriage, relationships, health and faith. She has suffered depression and did not receive counselling until well into adulthood.
She has only recently been able to afford to pay for good quality psychotherapy, and that she feels that coming to the Truth Project is part of her journey to recovery.
Barbara remains angry at how little support she received as a child. She had to try and cope alone with her grief at the loss of her mother, the cold and harsh treatment she received at home, and the sexual abuse. By the time she was a teenager she was suicidal. She questions why social services were not involved and why she was not given any help.
She remembers telling a priest in confession about the abuse, as Maurice has told her she would have to confess it. She does not believe it is right for confession to be sacrosanct and strongly believes that if priests are told about abuse they should be required to report it.
Barbara continues to have a negative view of the police because of her experience as a child. Barbara still does not know how she came to be interviewed about the abuse and what action, if any, was taken in respect of Maurice.
Barbara believes that the police should show children kindness and speak to them in an informal setting, explaining what is happening and give feedback directly to children about how the investigation is proceeding. She says that police officers should be trained and understand what it is like to be a vulnerable witness.