Bernie says ‘I mourn the loss of the little girl I was’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Bernie was sexually abused by a vicar in her community.
At the age of 12, she says, she ‘went from playing with dolls to off the rails overnight’.
Bernie describes a childhood growing up happily with her parents and enjoying activities and hobbies.
When she was 12, Bernie took a delivery job to help pay for one of the activities she loved. One of the houses on her round belonged to a clergyman, Reverend Jacobi. He would come to the door and chat to her, and she says that while it seemed like ‘normal’ conversation, she felt uncomfortable but was not sure why.
Then one day he answered the door dressed in only a T-shirt and no pants. Bernie felt very uneasy, embarrassed and confused.
Later, she told her manager at work that she didn’t want to deliver to the reverend’s house again because he was ‘weird’. However, the manager didn’t seem to take this seriously and didn’t respond to what she said.
Reverend Jacobi’s behavior continued for a while; she thinks possibly for months. Looking back, Bernie thinks he was testing her reaction.
She does not remember exactly how it came about, but the clergyman arranged to meet her to go running in a local park. She recalls that she didn’t want to be with him, but she didn't know how to refuse. She twisted her ankle slightly and when he touched her leg in a seemingly ‘innocent’ way it made her feel very uncomfortable.
Bernie tried to use her injury as an excuse to go home, but instead Reverend Jacobi took her back to his house. She remembers going upstairs but isn’t sure why, or how she got there. It was dark, and she remembers lying down on a ‘huge’ bed and him putting his hands down her pants and touching her.
She can’t recall what happened next or how she got out of the room. He drove her home afterwards and she got out of the car ‘like nothing had happened’.
Reverend Jacobi moved away shortly after this. She saw him one more time, which was a shock for her.
Following the abuse, Bernie says her behaviour changed dramatically. She began drinking in pubs, having older boyfriends and ‘being passed around sexually’. No one questioned this sudden change in her; she says she was just seen as ‘naughty’.
Her mental health deteriorated severely and she spent time in psychiatric hospitals. Some time later, her parents told her she was ‘going on about a priest’ while she was in hospital. No one asked her about this, but she wishes they had. She says ‘if sudden changes are seen in children, then just ask the question’.
She had a child about 10 years ago and since then she’s had counselling which she says has helped her, although she does not feel she could have a ‘normal relationship’ with anyone apart from her child.