Billy is recovering from alcoholism which he feels sure was a result of the sexual abuse he suffered
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When Billy was 10 years old, he joined a boys’ youth group and went on overnight trips with them.
The leader of the group sexually abused him, and Billy thinks it is likely this happened to other boys as well.
Billy grew up in the 1970s and 80s. His family moved to a big city so his dad could find work.
Soon after the move, Billy joined a boys’ youth group. He knows that the leader, Roman, was originally involved with a recognised organisation working with young people, but he broke away and became an ‘independent’ leader.
Roman took the group on holidays at a site in the countryside. Billy recalls that sometimes children with learning disabilities would attend too, and the boys would look after them. ‘When I look back on it, that seems a crazy set up’ he comments.
At the holiday site, Roman, who was in his 50s, and his deputy, Finley, shared a room. Finley was in his 20s.
In the mornings, three or four of the boys would go to the leaders’ room for an informal meeting to talk about the day’s activities. ‘Looking back now, I wonder why I didn’t think that was weird’ Billy says.
Because it was the early morning, it was cold, so the boys would get into Roman and Finley’s beds to keep warm.
On one of these occasions, Billy was in Roman’s bed and the leader started touching the boy’s genitals. Billy says ‘He did this gradually over time, so you didn’t feel uncomfortable to start with’. He remembers that Roman once pulled his foreskin back, saying he was ‘checking to make sure it was ok’.
Billy adds ‘Everything he did, it was designed to make it appear normal’.
‘At that point, I think I felt uncomfortable and realised something wasn’t right’ Billy says. After that, in the morning meetings he tried to make sure he was on Finley’s bed, ‘because nothing happened with him’.
Billy explains that there were usually other boys in the room. ‘I can only imagine if he did it to me, he did it to others as well’ he says.
He struggles to recall any more details of the abuse. ‘Maybe it’s better I don’t remember’ he says.
Later that summer Billy left the group, after gradually reducing the time he attended. ‘So it didn’t seem out of the ordinary. If I suddenly stopped it might have led to more questions being asked at home’ he says.
He took up new sports activities that were individual, rather than group- or team-based. ‘I had a safety bubble around me’ he says.
At school, Billy says he was ‘the outsider’, but this was more because he had moved to the city, rather than because of the abuse. He is not sure why he didn’t tell anyone about the abuse. ‘I guess I was ashamed and didn’t want to talk about it, or thought I would have got into trouble’ he says.
Billy believes that the abuse he experienced is the main reason he became an alcoholic in his teens. ‘When I discovered alcohol, it numbed the thought processes’ he says.
Over the following 20 years, he was dependent on alcohol. He tried a few detox programmes under clinical supervision, and once tried to go ‘cold turkey’ which resulted in him having a medical emergency.
More recently, Billy completed rehabilitation for alcohol abuse. ‘That was when I admitted for the first time something had happened. When I got funding for rehab I had given some details of issues I wanted to address and said I’d like support for that.’ He has now been sober for a few years.
Billy feels he can now manage what happened to him without relapsing. But he says he finds it difficult to sit in a room where there is nothing to distract him. He tries to keep busy as he worries that memories and flashbacks might come back if he doesn’t.
He also struggles with relationships and trusting people. ‘I hope now I’ve got sober it might change’ he says.
Some years after he was abused, Billy discovered that Roman had appeared in court on several charges of sexually abusing other children. It was in the news, and he remembers his mum asking him if anything had ever happened to him, but he said ‘no’.
After rehabilitation, Billy lived in supported accommodation for a couple of years. He completed a programme of trauma-based therapy and later had more counselling with a rape and sexual abuse service. ‘I went as far as I was comfortable going with the abuse, I was still in early stages of recovery and you have to be careful about relapsing’ he says.
When Billy saw the television adverts for the Truth Project, he felt it was worth sharing his experience if it might stop it happening to someone else.