Calvin was scared of his mother and tried to stay away from her as much as possible
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Calvin grew up in the early 1950s in a difficult family environment, with a violent, neurotic and unstable mother.
He suffered sexual abuse by his mother, and also by her boyfriend.
Calvin’s mother suffered post-natal depression and made it clear to him that he was unwanted. His father was physically abused by his wife and was not very involved with the family.
Calvin was sexually abused at a very young age by a man his mother was having an affair with. This progressed from touching to oral sex and violent rape. The abuser frightened Calvin by threatening to tell his parents if he didn’t do what he wanted.
He was also abused by his mother, who talked to him about her sex life and touched his genitals. She shared her bed with him, saying this was to avoid having sex with her husband.
He was too afraid to talk to anyone about what was happening to him.
He says that school was a ‘lousy experience’ for him. He was treated as if he was ‘a bit simple’. One teacher told his parents ‘If we stretch him, he might go insane’. His parents tried enrolling him in different schools but he didn’t manage to stay at any.
But, he says, he liked learning, especially English. For three months he pretended to go to school but instead went to the park to read. He left school at the age of 16 with no qualifications. He now thinks if he had been given a chance to talk without fear about his abuse, things might have been very different and he would have flourished at school.
He realises he suffered for many years with mental health problems. He was treated with tranquilisers at a very young age and also saw a psychiatrist for many years, but he does not feel this helped. He had no understanding of what was happening to him and found it terrifying.
He says he struggles to hold down a job and feels that he never achieved his potential. He has a fear of public places and has previously suffered from OCD and depression.
Calvin knows that alcoholism affected a lot of the men in his family and he suspects his mother was abused by her own cruel father. He himself became alcoholic and on one occasion tried to kill himself. When this happened he was visited by concerned friends, but not his family.
He says he was never aware as a child that depression was an illness. He adds ‘I spent a lot of my life trying to sort out who I am’.
Calvin feels strongly that children should be able to talk without fear about the sexual and other forms of abuse they are suffering.