Carmela was not believed about being abused and was held responsible for causing trouble
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Carmela was sexually abused by her best friend’s father.
During police inquiries, it emerged that she had under-age sex with her boyfriend, but neither episodes of abuse were taken seriously.
Carmela often stayed overnight at her friend’s house. From when she was about 12, she started noticing that her friend’s dad, A, would ‘casually’ bump into her. This escalated to him touching her chest and grabbing parts of her body.
One night when she was on a sleepover at her friend’s house, she got up to use the bathroom. On her way back to bed, she found A waiting for her on the landing. He came towards her and pressed himself against her.
Some time later, A told Carmela to give him ‘a sign’ so he could ‘look after her’. She says at first she didn’t understand what he meant, but then realised he was referring to sex.
Carmela recounts another occasion at A’s house when she was upstairs feeling unwell. Another friend – not A’s daughter – was with her. She remembers A coming in and telling this girl to go downstairs. Carmela woke up to find her friend crying and buttoning up Carmela’s clothes.
After the abuse ceased, an incident at school prompted Carmela to tell a teacher about it. A few days later she came home to find the police and a social worker in her house. Carmela did not want to report the abuse because it had stopped. The policewoman tried to reassure her and the police wanted Carmela to have a medical examination.
Because of this, Carmela felt she had to tell her mother she had sex with her boyfriend. The medical was not mentioned after this, and although this was a disclosure of rape, it does not appear to have been taken seriously by the police.
During the police interview about the abuse by A, Carmela says she felt it was very clear that the police officer did not believe her – she asked if Carmela ‘fancied’ the abuser, and other very explicit questions that Carmela found very distressing.
Carmela says that her father was supportive of her, but her mother was not. A was arrested but the case did not proceed.
She says her experiences following the abuse were much worse than the abuse itself. Her family received abusive phone calls and she was shouted at in the streets. She says that at times she thought about ending her life.
She finds it difficult to trust people, especially women, because she feels they always judge and punish her.
Carmela would like to see children who report abuse being offered support away from their family. She wants police and social workers to be more understanding and emotionally supportive. She would like schools to consider the effect of abuse on children and how to look after them when they return to school.
She has been having therapy to help her cope with the experiences of her early life.