Carson says the effects of child sexual abuse ‘last a lifetime, it doesn’t just get better when it stops’
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
For more than 40 years, Carson lived with the impact of being sexually abused as a young teenager.
He says ‘I now know it’s not my shame, but you have to work to get that message and love yourself again’.
Carson grew up in the 1960s and 70s, the child of a single mother. Since he was a young boy, he dreamed of being a soldier, and he joined the army cadets when he was in his early teens.
One of the people in charge was a former army lieutenant called Albie. Not long after Carson joined, Albie approached him from behind, and put his hands between his legs and felt his genitals.
Carson’s shock was obvious, but Albie just laughed and told him ‘You’d better get used to that if you are going to be in the army’.
Albie then came to see Carson’s mother and asked if Carson could go with him on an overnight trip to a parade at another barracks. She agreed, but on the day of departure, Carson was surprised to realise he was not going in a minibus with other cadets, but alone with Albie in his car.
Albie claimed the minibus had broken down. He drove Carson to a city, and took him to a restaurant, then a drag show at a theatre. He bought him alcohol throughout the evening and Carson recalls that in the crowded bar ‘He put his arm around me and I noticed how he looked around as if to say “Look at me”’.
Later, Carson was taken to Albie’s house. The man told him to have a bath, took his clothes and left him a robe. When he went downstairs, Albie took the robe off him and made him perform oral sex.
Carson passed out and woke to find himself bent over. Albie said he could rape him, but he would leave it until another time.
When Albie drove him home the next day, for the entire journey he threatened Albie with dire consequences if he told anyone what had happened. He told Carson his mother would get into trouble and added ‘You won’t get in the army; I know people’.
After that, Carson says, ‘I kept away from him as much as I could’. But some months later, he went to a recruitment event. They were camping and Albie came into Carson’s tent, knelt down and got his penis out. The abuser was disturbed by a noise and left him alone.
Carson did join the army, but did not stay long because he was afraid of being sexually abused again.
Two years later, Carson saw Albie in the street. That was the last time he saw him for many years. He says ‘I never told anyone about it; I didn’t want to bring shame to my mum’.
About 40 years passed, and one day, Carson heard a news story about a boy who had been sexually abused in the Scouts. He says ‘I had been unhappy with depression for a long, long time’. Hearing the boy’s account, he says ‘It was like being turned into a statue … I realised I had to do something about it’.
Carson spoke to a lawyer who warned him it would be a ‘tough road’ and he may not get the result he hoped for. But he decided to report the abuse to the police. They called him back within an hour and he went to give a witness statement.
The detective Carson dealt with was ‘terrific’ he says. It became clear from the officer the police had other information on Albie.
Albie was arrested, he denied he knew Carson and claimed he had dementia. The proceedings were delayed when another victim and survivor came forward. In total, the whole process took over three years. Albie continued denying the charges but was sentenced to prison.
Carson says that the people involved in the case were good, but the length of time involved took a heavy toll on him. He says ‘The horrible thing is it overshadows everything in your life, when you have work and family … it drained me, it was like carrying a weight on my shoulders all that time’.
He continues ‘Trying to access the memories is difficult because your mind wants to forget it, but I knew it was important so after the kids had gone to bed I would sit and try and remember every detail. Seeing myself as a kid was traumatic’.
Carson says that during this time ‘I actually felt my mind break, it was like when you pull a muscle’.
He had great difficulty carrying on normal life, and had to force himself to leave the house and engage with people.
He felt paralysed with fear and anxiety, and could not sleep. He was prescribed antidepressants and had eight sessions of NHS counselling.
During this time, Carson realised how he had been affected by the abuse for the past 40 years. As a young adult, he did many reckless things, some of them illegal. He often used to ask himself why he didn’t fight the abuser off, and he thinks his risky behaviour was a way of trying to prove to himself that he wasn’t a coward.
His education, career and relationships were all adversely affected; he says he felt ‘unattractive and dirty’ and he abused drugs and alcohol.
Carson found counselling very helpful, but says that the sessions he was allocated were nowhere near sufficient. He feels strongly that there should be more provision for victims and survivors of abuse.
He would also like to see more awareness of the long-term impact of child sexual abuse. He says ‘The court case is a bit of a victory but doesn't take it away, you still have to work on yourself’.
Carson now volunteers with a project that provides counselling for victims and survivors.
He adds ‘I’ve made great strides in getting my life back together. I wanted to die to get out of the pain but I don’t feel that any more’.