Cate says ‘being abused has limited me … I have never felt good enough’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
When she was eight years old, Cate was told she was going on holiday.
In reality, she was being placed in care, where she was subjected to sexual abuse by her foster father.
Cate’s early memories are of an erratic life, with her mother struggling to care for her children, and often leaving them with a neighbour. She wonders whether it was difficult for social workers to find care placements for two mixed race children who were not babies.
She remembers the foster father in the home she was sent to as ‘a grey and forbidding man’. Her memories of being sexually abused by him are fragmented. She knows it didn't happen every night but that it did take place many times and became ‘normal’ to her. At first, she thought he was being kind to her.
She slept alone in one small bedroom which was tidy, with a brown carpet. She remembers sometimes pretending to be asleep when her foster father came in. Other times she remembers him coming in with a treat, such as a biscuit, which she was pleased about.
Her recollections of the abuse include him being on top of her, rubbing himself on her, and being between her legs.
Cate says that even though she was so young, she knew that what was happening was wrong, but she had no one to talk to. She remembers wondering how her foster mother did not know what her husband was doing, and she says that as the years went by, she felt more angry with this woman, feeling sure she did know.
From the age of 10, Cate says she became more and more aware that the abuse was wrong. She also started feeling she was participating in it. She remembers telling her sibling about it, but says ‘he did not seem that bothered’.
The abuse ended when very suddenly, Cate was removed from the foster home in the middle of the night. She remembers being asked questions about the placement, but looking back she does not think that they were the ‘right questions’.
Many years later, Cate discovered that her foster father had abused a young female relative and she thinks this might have been the reason she was removed. She doesn't know if he was prosecuted for this.
In her teenage years, Cate attempted suicide twice. She recalls a doctor saying to her ‘you’ve been really silly’.
She remembers feeling extreme shame and self-hatred. She says she hated the way she looked and would go through periods of not eating, followed by bouts of binge eating. When she started having sexual feelings, she recalls feeling disgusted and she still suffers with this.
For a long time, Cate says she has felt guilty about the abuse and thought that she should have stopped it by screaming out. She describes feeling caught between ‘feeling sorry for my younger self and wanting to shake her’.
Even as she got older, she says she lacked confidence and could not take any opportunities that were offered. She has felt extreme anxiety for herself and her children.
Cate did have social workers but there was no consistency that allowed her to build up trusting relationships with any of them. Nor did she have any teachers she could trust, because she moved around a lot. She recalls feeling strongly that she needed to please people, rather than be cared for herself.
When she left care, she felt that she ‘was thrown out of the system and did not know how to function’. She thinks that there should be better aftercare for young people who have been in care, and for victims and survivors of abuse. She had some counselling, but this came to an end when she was in her mid teens.
Cate writes poetry to help her express her experiences and her feelings.