Ciar says ‘The thing I've struggled with the most was my "responsibility" in all of this abuse’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
As a teenager, Ciar was trapped and blackmailed by an online sexual abuser.
It has taken more than 10 years for her to begin to overcome an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame about being abused.
Ciar describes a ‘hectic’ family life. After her parents divorced she lived with other family members, then returned to live with one parent, who was neglectful and frequently absent.
She says that the extended family was extremely religious and she grew up ‘deeply ashamed’ of any sexual feelings. She comments ‘Because of all these factors I was an extremely easy target’.
Ciar explains that as a young teenager ‘I was given unrestricted access to the internet with no parental supervision at all’.
She was lonely and in poor mental health, when a man, ‘A’, who said he was in his mid-20s approached her online. She says ‘I was easily flattered by his attention … though we never met in person, “A” had a vice grip on my life’. He told her he was lonely too, and wanted a friendship, but he soon became extremely manipulative and aggressive.
‘A’ demanded that Ciar should be online at certain times and if she didn’t respond he would say she didn’t care about him, and threaten to harm or kill himself.
She recounts ‘As someone who's always struggled with extreme isolation and suicidal ideation, I was easily manipulated by his empty threats’.
Sometimes ‘A’ would go offline for days and Ciar would be beside herself with worry ‘thinking I had somehow led a man to suicide. When he'd return, I'd be so relieved and apologise profusely’.
‘A’ began to send Ciar pornography. When she told him this made her uncomfortable, he became verbally abusive, so she backtracked. He then flattered her by saying how mature she was, commenting that if he didn’t know her actual age, he would think she was 18.
Other times, she says, he would target her insecurities and ‘taunt me with how he was the only one who put up with me’.
The pornography ‘A’ sent became more extreme. Ciar continues ‘When I tried to disengage, he threatened to screenshot our messages and show everyone how disgusting I was for seeing the things he'd sent’. Ciar says ‘I was terrified and felt trapped’.
‘A’ escalated the threats he made. He blackmailed Ciar into sending him nude photographs of herself and then used the images to further blackmail her. At the same time, he would send presents to Ciar’s home, and tell her he wanted to live with her and have a family with her.
Ciar says ‘I had no support systems, I had no one I could talk to’.
Three years after ‘A’ began targeting Cair, he abruptly broke off contact and blocked her. ‘I am ashamed to admit I was heartbroken’ she says.
Some time later, he got in touch again and tried to blackmail her into resuming their communication. But, Ciar says, ‘I told him to send the messages to whoever he wanted because I was done’.
She describes feeling emotionally broken, and suicidal, saying that his threats meant nothing as she didn’t feel her life was worth living.
‘A’ continued stalking Ciar online for several years.
She has been tormented ever since with feelings of guilt that it was her fault she was abused. Although she says she can now see logically that as a teenager she was groomed and manipulated by a grown man, she adds ‘Emotionally, it's a completely different story’.
Because she looked at extreme pornographic images he sent, she says ‘I can't help but feel as though I am just as guilty of the crimes he was committing’.
Ciar suffers with her mental and physical health, she has panic attacks and strong feelings of self-loathing. She adds ‘And still now, even after telling myself every day that I was a victim, I often feel at fault’.
She says she wanted to share her experience to send a message to anyone who has been hurt online by an adult, that just because they were not physically compelled to do anything, it doesn’t mean the abuse was their fault.