Clyde kept the abuse he suffered to himself for many years, for fear of being labelled a paedophile
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Clyde grew up in the 1950s and 60s. He was neglected and physically abused by his family, and subjected to brutal regimes in the care system.
This made him vulnerable during his childhood and teenage years to serial sexual abuse and exploitation.
Clyde’s parents separated when he was young and he went to stay with his extended family. There, he was beaten ‘black and blue’ with a piece of wood. He remembers a woman he believes was a social worker coming and telling him he was going for ‘a little holiday’. He describes arriving at a large, gothic-like building that was ‘like something from a horror movie’, and being very frightened as they went inside.
The place was a children’s home. Clyde does not know how long he was here but during his stay he was beaten by the cook and sexually assaulted by a male carer who used to come into the dormitory at night.
After some time Clyde’s parents reunited and his mother collected him from the home. He told his mother about the beatings but she made it clear she did not believe him, so he decided not to tell her about the sexual abuse. He remembers frequently being petrified because his mother used to threaten to send him back to the children’s home.
He says he felt unloved and unwanted at home, and was often beaten by his father. He describes a poignant memory from one of his birthdays as a young child. His mother had promised him a guitar and he recalls how excited he was about this, telling all his friends. But when the day arrived, there was no guitar and his friends made fun of him about it. After this, he decided to make new friends with some older lads from an estate a bit further away.
Very soon he began to act as ‘lookout’ for the older boys as they committed acts of petty theft. On one of these occasions, as they all ran away in different directions, Clyde hid in a doorway. He was joined by a police officer who ordered the boy to masturbate him, or he would arrest him.
Clyde says he was so frightened he did as he was told. Afterwards the police officer gave him a shilling and told him not to tell anyone. Clyde says he added ‘no one would believe me anyway’.
As Clyde progressed to secondary school, he began to spend more time with his older friends. They began carrying out house burglaries, and Clyde was caught and sentenced to three years in an approved school. Here, he was again sexually abused by a member of staff. He says he was too afraid of being bullied and labelled homosexual to report what had happened to him.
After some time he transferred to another approved school run by Catholic Brothers where he soon discovered there was a culture of physical and sexual abuse. He says ‘Sexual abuse ... I had already accepted that this was the norm a long time ago. Don’t get me wrong, I hated everything and everybody involved with it, but to me it was a question of survival’.
Clyde suffered physical beatings and he describes one particularly violent sexual assault at the hands of two Brothers. ‘It was horrendous, the feeling was so bad and hurt so much … I think I changed a lot after that incident’.
He recalls only one visit from his mother during his three years in approved school. She came to tell him he could not come home for the two week’s annual leave, because his father did not want him. He says ‘by this time, I think I just gave up on everything and everybody around me’.
After he left approved school it was difficult for Clyde to live in the family home. He stayed ‘here and there’, then hitchhiked to the city and hung around with other homeless young people. He was a young teenager at this point.
He heard about some of the young people being invited to parties with lots of food and drink, and when he was invited to one, he says he jumped at the chance. He recalls a black car collecting him and a few others and taking them to a very expensive area of the city.
At the party there was a group of men and a couple of young girls present. Clyde and his friends were given large plates of food and drink. Then he noticed there were ‘minders’ on the door preventing anyone leaving and he saw young people being taken into different rooms.
One man, who seemed to be controlling everything, took Clyde into another room with three other men. Clyde recalls being frightened and wondering if he would come out alive, as he heard screaming and crying coming from another room.
The friendly attitude of the men changed, and he was tied up, whipped and raped by all four of them. Afterwards he was given more food and drink, and some money, before being taken back.
Clyde says he recognised one of his abusers as a well-known establishment figure, and says this incident finally and completely destroyed his trust in anyone in authority.
He now wishes he had been able to disclose his abuse much earlier. He is happily married, but his private session with the Truth Project was the first time his wife had heard the details of the horrific experiences he had as a child.
He would like to see wider use of full Disclosure and Barring Service (DBS) disclosures to include all staff in settings with vulnerable children. He recommends that victims and survivors should be involved in recruiting staff to work with vulnerable people.
Clyde adds that there needs to be more recognition of the role that victims and survivors can play in supporting other victims and survivors.
Clyde is writing a book about his experiences. He hopes others will benefit from this and learn that there is ‘life after abuse’ and ways to cope with the lasting impacts.