Cole says ‘If just one person had listened to me ...’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
As a child, Cole was subjected to appalling physical cruelty by his father.
After his mother left home, Cole’s new stepmother sexually abused him, but no one would believe this was happening.
Cole grew up in the 1970s. His father was an extremely violent man who was often drunk.
Cole was still very young when his mother left home, leaving him and his sibling with their father, who turned his violence and aggression onto both children. Cole’s father beat Cole’s sibling so severely that they were taken into care. Cole remembers feeling jealous of his sibling at this, because his sibling ‘was out of it’.
Soon after, Cole’s father met a new partner and she moved into the family home. Cole says she was ‘an evil person’. She made it clear she had always wanted a daughter and when he was about four, she started to dress him in girls’ clothes. He adds that she only did this when his father was out.
About two years later, Cole says his stepmother started to touch him ‘down there’. She would ‘use any excuse to do this’ and would imply it was punishment for him doing things wrong.
She also continued to dress and treat him as a girl.
Cole describes how confused he felt; he wanted to play with boys’ toys, but his stepmother would make him play with dolls.
On one occasion, a teacher noticed he was wearing girls’ briefs and asked his stepmother about this. His stepmother claimed he had wet himself and the briefs were the only ones available. Cole comments that she always found ways to explain behaviour like this away.
He adds ‘The sexual abuse was the worst … the touching was horrible … how can you mess with a kid that much?’
By the time he was 10, Cole says he knew that what was happening to him was wrong. He started to rebel and get angry but, he says, ‘she was a big woman and could easily put me in my place’.
He told his father what his stepmother was doing, and was beaten. He ran away, but the police found him and brought him back, and his stepmother always came up with a cover story about why he had done this.
Cole then told his headteacher about the sexual abuse, but the teacher did not believe him and reported to Cole’s stepmother what Cole had said about her.
Cole says he told other adults many times about what was happening to him. One of these was an uncle who was kind to him. Cole’s father beat his uncle up for mentioning this, and after that the police became involved and Cole was sent to live with his uncle.
He says that then ‘Life got better, I could live my life as I wanted’.
Cole has very painful memories of his childhood that still seriously affect him. He has had difficulty with relationships and feels he was confused by being ‘programmed to be a girl’. He suffers with flashbacks, panic attacks and has had suicidal thoughts. He feels embarrassed and ashamed of what happened to him.
Never being believed has had a big impact on Cole, making him very reluctant to talk to anyone about his experiences of abuse.
He emphasises the importance of listening to and believing children, and following up what they say.
Cole has recently been reunited with his biological mother; they are close and see each other regularly.
He is happily married to a woman he says ‘changed me’. He takes great comfort in his close-knit family.