Dilan says he felt ‘stuck’ as a child and wishes he could go back and bypass that stage
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
A sports coach took advantage of Dilan’s dreams of being a football star and sexually abused him.
Dilan still lives with the effects of this trauma he experienced as a child.
Dilan grew up in the 1970s and 80s. In his early years, he enjoyed a ‘normal childhood’ with his mum, dad and sister. He loved the outdoors and playing football, and he dreamed of playing for a First Division club.
He started playing for a local team when he was 10 years old. The volunteer coach was a man called Benny. Dilan says Benny was trusted by adults and parents – ‘Everyone thought he was a great guy’.
Benny used to drive Dilan and other boys to and from training. He gave Dilan a lot of encouragement, telling him ‘you’re a great player’.
One evening on the drive back from training, Benny dropped all the other boys off, then instead of taking Dilan home, he drove past his house. Dilan describes how disconcerted he was by this. ‘I asked him “Where are you going?” … I was thinking “What on earth’s going on here?”’ he says.
Benny stopped the car in a dark place and told Dilan he wanted to hit him on the backside. Dilan describes the struggle that followed; Benny grabbed him, tearing his shorts, pulled him over his lap and started smacking him hard. Dilan fought and kicked the car door and windows, screaming and shouting. He remembers being scared that if the windows broke, he might be hurt.
Dilan remembers Benny saying things like ‘If you want me to get you places, we’ve got to do this’. The coach tried to manipulate Dilan into consenting to the abuse, saying ‘How many times do you want me to do it?’
The abuse took place a few more times, in the same way, with Benny telling Dilan he wanted to smack his backside. He would use Dilan’s future football career prospects as a threat if he didn’t comply. Dilan says that after the coach abused him ‘he acted normal’, and took him home.
A few months later, Dilan’s dad suddenly asked him if he had been abused by the coach. Dilan said yes, but it was not spoken about again in the family for many years.
He stopped going to football and got involved with cycling and running. He says ‘I didn’t want to do team sports … I felt safer on my own’.
During his 20s, Dilan says he drank a lot, and took illegal drugs. He says that previously he had put the abuse out of his mind but by then he had started to think about it more. In his 30s he started a job that required drug tests and he had children. After that, he says, ‘I calmed down’.
A few years ago, he was approached by the police as part of a major investigation into child sexual abuse in football. It turned out that decades previously, Benny had been cautioned for indecently assaulting Dilan and another boy, and was being investigated again because more victims had come forward.
Dilan now knows that despite having the caution for indecent assault, Benny was supported by local, regional and national football organisations, and continued to have access to many children playing football. He even won awards for his ‘service’ to football.
Dilan outlines several effects that he now understands the abuse has had on him. As well as alcohol and substance abuse, and risk-taking to the point of self-harm, he says that he struggles with relationships, intimacy and trust.
He has PTSD, depression and has thought of suicide. He describes feeling lonely, ashamed, angry, flawed and isolated.
Dilan says, regarding child protection, ‘I think things are progressively getting better but I’d like to see them get better faster’. He would like to see improvements in the way the Disclosure and Barring Service is implemented, and in safeguarding training in football and other sports.
He would also like there to be more resources for mental health services, particularly counselling male victims and survivors of child sexual abuse.
Dilan has had counselling, after a long wait, which he says has been helpful. He finds comfort in his family, and says it helps to read more about child sexual abuse and realise he is not alone.