Diya says ‘It’s taken me years to understand I didn’t do anything wrong’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
From the age of nine, Diya was sexually abused by her stepfather.
She says the culture in her community means that victims of sexual abuse are blamed, and she has fought hard to overcome the effect this had on her.
Diya lived with her mother and stepfather. She describes how the relationship with her stepfather changed when she was about nine years old. She says her mother was working long hours and ‘he became affectionate for the first time’.
But it was not affection, it was abuse. Her stepfather began to kiss her and undress her when no one was around. She says at first she thought this ‘must be normal for daddies and daughters’. However he told her not to tell anyone, certainly not her mother, and she knew she did not like it.
One day, when watching a film, Diya cried, as what she saw happening made her realise she was being sexually abused.
Diya relates that she started to become withdrawn and depressed at the thought that the abuse might continue through the summer holidays. Then her mother became pregnant, and her stepfather sexually abused her even more frequently.
When she tried telling him she wanted it to stop he told her he would kill her, her mother and her brother if she told anyone, and he added that no one would believe her anyway. She tried to physically resist him and he became violent – he once pushed her through a glass door.
Diya remembers feeling that there was no escape. She received a further blow when her mother told her she was going abroad for six months and leaving Diya with her stepfather.
At this news, she told her mother that her stepfather had been abusing her, and begged her mother not to leave her behind with him. But her mother just turned away from her.
This was the moment, Diya says, that she thought she was never going to be believed, ever. She started taking a knife into her bedroom, partly so she could defend herself against her stepfather and partly because she thought she might want to kill herself.
An incident at school when she was in her early teens was a turning point – Diya lost her temper over some comments her friends made about their family lives, and got into a fight. She was suspended, and in her despair she phoned Childline, who advised her to tell her teacher about the abuse.
To Diya’s amazement, her teacher believed her and called the police. She was taken to the police station with a social worker. This was a difficult experience for her – she did not understand the discussions about her and she was examined by a male doctor, which made her very uncomfortable. She felt she was the one who had done something wrong and was being punished.
She comments however, that it seemed normal to her for men to control women.
Diya was placed with a foster family who she says were very kind. But after a year, she was returned home ‘as if nothing had happened’. Her stepfather did not sexually abuse her again, but he continued to emotionally abuse her for the next few years. Diya says her mother did not defend her, and their relationship became more strained.
As soon as she could, Diya left home, got a job to support herself and cut ties with her family. But the abuse had a lasting impact on her. She says she was promiscuous and got involved with some physically abusive relationships. She suffered with flashbacks.
Some time later, Diya was referred to a psychologist and says this was ‘a game changer’ that enabled her to manage the impact of the abuse. She has also had counselling through her work and says ‘It’s never too late to have some support’.
She feels that cultural attitudes and a controlling hierarchy can mean that Asian families blame the victims for abuse – she says their main concern is to avoid being shamed in the community and how to marry off ‘damaged’ females.
Diya thinks she is one of the luckier people. It has taken a lot of work, but she feels she has ‘won’ and found peace. She is married to a partner she chose and feels in control to get on with her life.
She concludes ‘What happened to me has got me to this point; I overachieve ... I am more empathetic than most. I wouldn’t be who I am without that experience’.