Donald put on weight to try to protect himself from sexual abuse
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Donald relates a catalogue of abuse that began in the family home and continued within a care system where all too often abusers gave him ‘their kind of care’.
He says he feels worthless and violated because of the abuse he suffered and wonders how his life would have been different if it had not happened.
Donald never knew who his biological father was and says his mother didn’t either. He grew up feeling targeted by his family and blamed for actions that were not his fault. His siblings would make disparaging comments about who his father might be.
His mother used to have sex with men for money, one of whom beat him. He still bears the scars from being ‘viciously attacked’ by his stepfather, who broke some of his bones and tore his ears.
Following this incident, he was the subject of an interim care order and was then placed in an assessment centre for children in trouble with the police. He questions why this form of placement was considered appropriate.
In the centre, Donald was raped by four men and often locked in a room with no facilities for days. The sexual abuse Donald experienced was repeated as he was sent to many different placements, with no preparation or discussion about why he was being transferred. He recalls that he would simply be told to pack his stuff and be moved. Donald was always given a letter to hand to the new placement and the man who he handed the letter to was normally his next abuser.
In one home, Donald and other boys were abused in showers that had no curtains. It was known around the home this was happening but none of the children could do anything to stop it.
In another home, boys would be taken to a windowless cell where they were abused. One on occasion Donald was stripped naked, left there for three days and repeatedly abused. Some of the boys tried to run away from this home but when they were caught they were punished.
Donald recalls that a member of staff at one institution he was sent to would let the children stay in the kitchen to try to protect them from being abused. He says that during this time, to avoid being hurt and to try and gain some control, he let his abusers do what they wanted to him.
The abuse has had a damaging effect on Donald’s life in many ways. He was not a violent child but feels that later he had to learn to become one to survive. He has since been convicted for violence against men and he has been to borstal and prison.
He has significant health problems due to the weight he gained to try and protect himself. He knows he needs to lose weight for his health, but he worries what may happen to him if he becomes smaller again.
Donald lost contact with his birth family throughout his adolescence and adulthood until recently. One of his brothers verbally abuses him and he is hurt by this behaviour. He still feels unaccepted by his family and is pained as to the reasons behind this.
He feels in some way that the abuse was his fault and that he should have done something to stop it. He has a complete distrust of men, which makes it difficult to work or do everyday activities, such as getting on a bus. He feels unable to have proper relationships with anybody because of his trust issues. He was recently traumatised when he saw one of his abusers by chance.
Donald has tried talking about the abuse he suffered but the experiences have not been helpful. He began seeing a psychiatrist, but when he was told ‘you can trust me, you can tell me anything’, it made him feel he was being groomed and he disengaged from the service. He disclosed his abuse in prison once and was asked ‘did you enjoy it? Did you get an erection?’.
A few years ago, he gave a statement to the police and later received a payment from social services. He gave the money away to his children because he considered it ‘dirty’.
Donald would like to see unannounced inspections carried out in any institution that cares for children and says that inspectors should to speak to the children without supervision by the staff.