Her mum’s happiness when her abusive father was allowed home stopped Donna disclosing what he had done
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Donna says she was sexually abused by her father for as far back as she can remember.
A disclosure by her older sister that he was doing to the same to her led to tragedy. Donna was labelled the ‘sensible one’ and believes this caused her trauma to be largely overlooked.
Donna thinks her father began abusing her when she was about five years old, but it may have been earlier. She recalls an argument, when she was about 13, between her mother and her sister and her sister going to stay at a friend’s.
Later there was a knock at the door and the police arrested her father. Donna and her mother were also taken to the police station.
She learnt that her sister had reported that their father had sexually abused her as a young adult and as a child. Her sister also stated she had witnessed inappropriate sexual behaviour towards Donna by her father.
Donna describes being interviewed by a male and female police officer about sexual abuse, in the presence of her mother. She says ‘It was so embarrassing in front of my mum, I couldn’t say anything’ and she denied her father had ever sexually abused her.
She was then subjected to an intimate examination by an older male doctor. She describes this a ‘horrendous’ experience that has stayed with her.
Her father was charged and kept at the police station. Donna returned home with her mother. She was aware there was some consideration of her being taken into care and believes that would have been a better option ‘as from then on I looked after my mum … I slept in her bed’.
Donna remembers how she lay awake that night feeling guilty about having not told the truth about what her father had done.
Her father was granted bail and resided with a relative. She was allowed to see him once a week. Her mother visited him regularly and Donna says she appeared really happy – ‘as though they were courting again’. She adds that this made it even harder to contemplate telling the truth about what had happened to her.
She was taken to see a judge in chambers and she asked for her father to come home for Christmas. This was allowed. Donna sees now how this put her at risk.
Her father pleaded guilty to sexual offences with his elder daughter and was sentenced to probation. Although he never abused his younger daughter again, Donna recalls him pressurising and begging her never to tell anyone that he had done so before.
Two months after being sentenced, Donna and her mother returned home and found her father’s body. He had committed suicide in the family home.
Donna relates how she contained everything she experienced – the abuse and the death of a parent. She says she did not show any signs of distress and continued to be seen as ‘sensible and mature’ by everyone. She carried on competing in sporting activities and worked hard at school, gaining a place at university.
There, she says ‘I cracked and escaped into alcohol’. She accessed counselling, formed a positive relationship with the female counsellor and told of her abuse for the first time. Her care was taken over by a male psychologist and two weeks later she took an overdose and was sectioned.
She describes her life as chaos for six to 12 months – she was self-harming, and using drugs, sometimes overdosing. She says ‘I don’t know how I am still alive’.
In a heated argument she told her mum about the abuse. Her mum refused to believe her.
Donna has had further counselling and therapy, but has found attending groups and sharing experiences with other sexual abuse victims and survivors the most helpful.
She has recently obtained her file from social services and learnt she was on the 'at risk' register as a child. She cannot understand how no one ever spoke to her about what had happened or offered her support. She read in her case files that her sister was perceived to be immature, so some of what she said was discounted.
Donna, by contrast, was seen to be sensible and mature and her denial of abuse was accepted without question. She questions how never showing any emotion could be viewed as a positive factor in a young teenager who lived in an abusive household, and had found her father after he hanged himself.
She believes that when sexual abuse is investigated, children should be given the opportunity to speak without the presence of a parent and that professionals should look beyond the child’s outward presentation and behaviour.