Esme says ‘It is only going to be better when I am dead as I won't have to deal with it’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Esme was born into a chaotic household where there had already been sexual abuse of children.
Throughout her childhood and teenage years she was sexually abused by a series of men. In one case the abuse was enabled by her mother.
Esme’s brother and sister had been sexually abused by their father who was part of a paedophile ring. He was convicted and jailed and on his release, was knocked down and killed.
When Esme was about five or six years old she was abused by her mother’s boyfriend. The couple would drink heavily and when her mother passed out, the abuse would begin.
When she was a few years older, she and a friend were preyed upon by an associate of her friend’s family. This man would take the children on fishing trips and make them take their clothes off and go swimming, while he took pictures.
Esme used to babysit for some neighbours who had a lot of children. One New Year’s Eve when Esme was just a teenager, the husband, Tim, put his hands down her pants, saying he wanted ‘a relationship’. After this Tim’s wife kicked him out of the house and Esme’s mother let him move in with them.
He later moved to a flat and Esme would spend time there. By the time she was in her early teens she was living with him and was dependent on drugs supplied by him. When she was in her mid teens, Tim made her have anal sex and also threatened to kill her.
She says that at the time she didn’t think she was being abused – she thought she was in a relationship. Her mother was complicit with everything Tim did and she had nowhere safe to go.
She says the police were aware of her situation but did nothing about it and said the relationship with Tim was consensual.
Esme’s body is badly scarred from self-harming and she thinks men see this as a vulnerability. She says she has had a number of abusive, violent relationships and has put herself in some extremely risky situations.
She feels she cannot trust anyone and will not let anyone into her house or be alone with her own children. She is dependent on sleeping pills and has recently been diagnosed with PTSD.
Esme feels that social services and the police ‘should have done their job properly’. She says professionals should have picked up on the signs of abuse and not treated it as a relationship.