Fearne says ‘I used to think that when people like you, they want to do these things to you’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Neglected and uncared for by her parents, Fearne was sexually abused as a child by several different people.
It took many years for her to understand that she had been abused, and she believes social services regarded her as a ‘problem child’, whose problems were of her own making.
Fearne had a chaotic childhood. Both her parents had mental health problems and were addicted to drugs and alcohol. They were also violent towards her.
When she was seven years old, the son of a neighbour sexually abused her. This happened several times when he came round to play with her.
When Fearne’s parents separated, she saw her dad at weekends. He took her on holiday but became violent towards her again, so she ran away. She relates ‘This older guy found me, and took me back to his apartment’. He sexually abused her and raped her. She says ‘Me as a 12 year old I didn’t realise it was rape’.
Back home with her mother, Fearne’s home had become a ‘party house’, constantly filled with drug users and dealers. They plied her with drugs and pills, and seemed to find it funny to watch her take them. Many of these men would come into Fearne’s bedroom and sexually abuse her. She says ‘I just remember the constant feeling of not being safe in that house’. She would run away for weeks at a time.
Around the same time, Fearne was preyed on by some men in their early 20s, who would park outside her house and wait for her to come home after school. They too began to ply her with drugs and alcohol, and would take her out in the car to quiet roads where they sexually abused her. This included making her give them oral sex.
During this time, social services were involved in Fearne’s life. She says the situation at home was unbearable with her mother drinking more and being extremely violent. Fearne often ran away. During a meeting with social services, Fearne told them she did not want to go home, and she remembers them telling her that at least she had a home to go to. She has seen a note in her file that says ‘Fearne does not appreciate the risks she continues to put herself in’.
When Fearne got a boyfriend she moved in with his family, but he soon became very controlling and violent. He repeatedly beat and raped her, and she sought help from the police and a domestic violence unit.
Fearne was even subjected to exploitation and abuse by men who were in prison. Her phone number was passed around among some inmates and she was made to sell drugs and provide phone sex for them.
She went on to form relationships with violent men in an attempt to protect herself from the prison inmates who were threatening her.
After one incident of abuse where Fearne was badly injured by an older man, he had to take her to hospital. She was only 15, but no one seemed to query why a man unrelated to her was the adult in charge of her.
She says ‘It’s nuts when you look back on it. I didn't realise it was exploitation. I didn’t even realise what rape was …’.
Fearne has struggled with her mental health and drug addiction.
She feels there is still a strong tendency to blame the victims and excuse the perpetrators of child sexual abuse. She would like to see more provision of mental health support for survivors of sexual abuse.
She would also like some acknowledgement from her family of the abuse she suffered as a child, but says they want her to ‘move on’. She adds ‘“Stop making a fuss” is what they mean’.
Fearne says she has had very good support from drug dependency and mental health services. As an adult, she has rebuilt her life. She has a degree and works to support other victims and survivors of abuse.