Fernando can’t understand why his parents did not question the inappropriate behaviour of his tutor
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Fernando was emotionally neglected by his parents, who he describes as ‘self-centred and careless’.
They did not question why his private tutor spent a lot of time alone with their son, and took him away on holiday.
When he was seven years old, Fernando’s parents decided that he was gifted and should have private tuition. They employed a tutor called Maxwell, who also worked at a local school.
It was arranged for Fernando to go to Maxwell’s house every weekend. Shortly after, the lessons became more frequent, taking place in the evenings as well.
Fernando can now see how Maxwell was able to groom him. Apart from arranging his tuition, his parents did not take much interest in him. He says ‘My father was a pretty useless dad ... not interested in playing with me. This man gave me a lot of attention that I wasn’t getting from my father … there was a lot of boyish play’.
He thinks that Maxwell was in his 60s at this time.
After a few months, Fernando started spending nights at Maxwell’s house, and this is when the tutor began sexually abusing him. It began with him joining Fernando in the bath. Fernando says Maxwell was ‘obsessive’ about cleaning his genitals, and this led to him routinely touching the boy sexually.
Fernando describes how the tutor controlled him with emotional abuse. ‘He gave bribes and incentives, but he became aggressive if I wasn’t willing’ he says. Maxwell also compared Fernando unfavourably with another boy he taught.
This manipulative behaviour made Fernando feel confused about the abuse, and guilty that he ‘let it happen ... I felt it was my fault’. However, he now understands that this is a common feeling for victims and survivors of sexual abuse.
Fernando says he was not close enough to his parents to feel he could tell them he was being abused. Even when the tutor began to take him away on holiday, his parents did not seem to have any concerns.
He says ‘As a father, that seems insane to me now. A child staying over with a 60-year-old man and no questions being asked’.
The abuse continued until Fernando was about 13 or 14. He says it affected his sexuality as a young man and he became confused and alarmed that he might be gay.
He continues ‘In my later teens, I parked it away’. But when he met his wife, he talked to her about it.
Fernando feels that his experience of sexual abuse continues to have repercussions for him. It has affected his ability to form trusting relationships and his self-esteem. He says ‘I have always strived to be liked, accepted and wanted. I feel I’m a not very functional human being’.
Before he had children, Fernando was fearful about becoming a parent and worried that he himself would become an abuser.
He has tried to talk to his parents about the abuse but they are not willing to engage with him on the subject. They commented ‘Times were different then’. Fernando finds this very frustrating and disappointing.
Fernando feels strongly there should be rigorous checks on all private tutors, and more training for responsible adults to spot ‘subtle signs of abuse’.
He has had counselling in recent years and he says this has helped him, although he has had to pay for it himself and says it is a big expense for him.