Jo-ann says that having a kind husband and good friends helps her cope with the impacts of abuse
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Jo-ann’s parents encouraged their children to visit a neighbour who was lonely.
This man sexually abused and raped Jo-ann and she finds it difficult to accept that he was never brought to justice.
Jo-ann’s neighbour, Alf, lived alone, and her mum and dad made her and her brother regularly go to his house on their own.
She recounts ‘He sent my brother out to play while he abused me. As we left he used to give us sweets and money’. She adds ‘I used to hate wearing dresses or skirts because it made it easier for him’.
The abuse continued for more than three years, until just after Jo-ann started secondary school. She had tried to tell her parents what was happening, but couldn’t find the words. ‘Then one day I couldn’t stand it any longer, and I told my mum. She just said “Don’t worry, you don’t need to go anymore”.’
After this, Jo-ann says, ‘I just went off the rails. I didn’t try in school; I was as awkward as possible’. She mentioned the abuse to more than one teacher, but no one took her seriously or took any action.
When she left school she joined the armed forces. ‘I thought I could leave it all behind’ she says. ‘I didn’t know it would go with me.’ She told a few people in the forces about the abuse, but again, there was no response.
On hearing that Alf had died, Jo-ann attempted suicide. She says ‘I thought his suffering has ended but mine hasn’t, and nothing can get done now because he’s gone’.
Jo-ann adds that what she did ‘wasn’t a cry for help. I wanted to die’.
She was treated by mental health services, and had some therapy. But she says that she feels she ‘learned to play the system’ and convinced them she was better, but she wasn’t.
Jo-ann became involved in a succession of abusive relationships, but her current marriage has brought her security and happiness. ‘My husband took away all my worries’ she says.
She had more counselling at a rape and sexual abuse clinic, which she says ‘helped me piece my life back together’.
Jo-ann still lives with many impacts from the abuse. She experiences flashbacks, describes herself as ‘jumpy’ and she is suspicious of people who are nice to her. ‘It’s not their fault – it’s the way I react’ she says.
The sight of certain sweets and snacks, and smells like the disinfectant that Alf used, trigger a traumatic response for Jo-ann.
She feels angry about the fact that she told several people about the abuse, but none of them took any action. During her final year of secondary school, she only attended for a few days, but no one queried this. In later years, her mum told her she knew that Alf had sexually abused another girl, but thought Jo-ann ‘would be ok’ because her brother was there too.
Jo-ann has self-harmed, abused drugs and alcohol, and says she became promiscuous. ‘I felt that’s all I was for.’
On the advice of her counsellor, Jo-ann talked to her parents again about the abuse. She says that her mother still tells her ‘Get over it … it’s done’. ‘But it’s not done; it’s never done’ she says.
Jo-ann would like to see improved education and training for people who work with children and young people to help them recognise signs of possible abuse. She also thinks there should be more funding for mental health services.
She says she has learned to look after herself, and has a good group of friends, as well as her husband who is ‘lovely’. She takes exercise and practises mindfulness. She is training for a career that involves helping others.
Jo-ann says ‘I’m not the only one to have been through this’.