Jon-Jay wants to see an end to the secrecy and shame that surrounds child sexual abuse
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Jon-Jay was sexually abused by a teacher at his boarding school.
He hopes that speaking out about his experience will help him overcome the shame he has carried for 70 years.
Jon-Jay grew up in the 1950s and 60s in a family with professional middle-class parents. When he was 10 years old, he was sent to boarding school, where he remained for seven years. He recalls ‘I was the youngest in the class by a long way’.
Very soon after he arrived, a teacher, Mr Thomas, began taking a particular interest in him. ‘I realise now I was being groomed … I think he had his eye on me right from the beginning’ Jon-Jay says.
Jon-Jay played in the cricket team and Mr Thomas would sit next to him on the bus when they went to play matches. The teacher would cover them both with a blanket and touch Jon-Jay’s genitals.
Jon-Jay says ‘I didn’t really know what was going on, and he would say something like “Don't tell anyone this is happening ... this is our secret”’.
He adds ‘He was supposed to be one of the people looking after me … at the time I didn’t fully realise it was wrong’.
The sexual abuse continued over the following two to three years. When Jon-Jay was about 13, Mr Thomas invited him to his study on the pretext of helping him with his homework, but instead the teacher sexually abused Jon-Jay. This time Mr Thomas showed Jon-Jay his penis, and after this Jon-Jay did his best to avoid him.
However, Mr Thomas continued finding ways to be alone with Jon-Jay. He was in charge of several after-school clubs and activities that the boys had to attend, and he would make up reasons why Jon-Jay had to be in his office, or stay late when the other boys had left.
The teacher used all these opportunities to sexually abuse Jon-Jay. Jon-Jay says ‘It got really awkward as I didn't want anything to do with him … I was more conscious of what he was doing’.
As he got older, Jon-Jay says ‘I rebelled against everything. I got into trouble all the time’. He remembers being caned or given detention on several occasions.
He did not feel he could tell anyone what was happening as he felt sure the other teachers would stand by Mr Thomas if he did. ‘There was no one who I could turn to at this school’ he says.
Jon-Jay remembers feeling angry with his parents for sending him to the school. ‘I don't know how many times I said I didn’t want to be there anymore, but I didn’t tell them what had happened because I’d been sworn to secrecy’ he says.
He also felt they would not believe him if he told them what Mr Thomas was doing. ‘It was always one-to-one; there were no witnesses, he was clever’ Jon-Jay says.
The abuse left him feeling guilty and ashamed, as though it was his fault and he was to blame for what Mr Thomas did to him. He adds that he still feels shame. ‘Even when you’re an adult and you can analyse it, you still feel it. You don’t want to talk about it because people might think you’re in some way to blame.’
Jon-Jay emphasises the importance of education and open conversations about child sexual abuse, appropriate and inappropriate relationships, and about coercion, control and grooming.
He believes that lack of openness adds to the confusion and shame that victims and survivors continue feeling. He comments that for those that have experienced child sexual abuse, it ‘is often the first experience you are likely to have had of any kind of sexual touching. I think that carries on through your life’.
Jon-Jay adds that children need an independent person they can trust to talk to about their concerns, and signposting to support organisations.
He says that sharing his experience is the first time he has talked openly about the abuse he endured. He has a supportive partner but has not wanted to tell his family the details of what happened to him as a child.