Kelly says ‘Being abused is crushing, but this aftermath even more so’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Kelly was sexually abused by a member of her family and by a neighbour.
When she spoke out about the abuse, she was blamed for making trouble and upsetting her mother.
Kelly says that she and her brother were badly neglected by their mother. They also had an older step brother, Joe, who was in the armed forces and away from home a lot.
When she was about six years old, Joe began sexually abusing her when he came to visit the family. This went on for about two years.
Around the time the abuse stopped, Kelly and her brother saw their mother having a sexual relationship with Joe. Kelly isn’t certain whether her mother knew that Joe had abused her; she is pretty sure her stepfather did not know.
Kelly enjoyed horse-riding, and she went to a local stables for lessons. When she was 11, a man who worked there, Dave, began sexually abusing her. This continued for three years and it was hard for her to avoid, because she had to work at the stables to pay for her lessons. And, she adds, ‘I was very scared of Dave’.
However, she says it got to a point where ‘I couldn’t take it anymore’. She told a teacher who reported the abuse. Kelly says that when she was interviewed ‘I did talk about Joe but my mum denied he ever looked after us. She told the authorities that I was lying and making things up.’
Kelly describes how life became even more difficult for her after she reported the abuse. She says her mother held her responsible for problems at home. She started running away, and was taken into foster care, but did not settle there and was sent home again.
Services that should have supported her also blamed her. She says ‘I still remember being sat in an office with the social worker being told ‘look at what you’re doing to your mother’.
In desperation, in her early teens, she took an overdose and ended up in hospital.
Kelly also had a difficult experience with the investigation into the abuse she suffered. Dave admitted to having sex with her but claimed he thought she was 16 and that she had consented.
The police spoke to a teacher at her school, who said it was hard to tell the difference between ‘attention-seeking behaviour and behaviour as a result of abuse’. The police decided to caution Dave, but she does not believe this actually happened.
More recently, Kelly’s brother reported that he had seen his step brother sexually abusing her. Joe was charged, but shortly before the case was due to go to court, it was dropped. Kelly feels completely bewildered by this decision as she believes there is strong evidence to prove she was abused, and she is planning to challenge it.
Kelly’s mental health has been badly affected by the sexual abuse; she has suffered with depression, has self-harmed and has PTSD. She has been prescribed medication and had some counselling.
She feels she was let down by people in authority who should have kept her safe as a child. She says ‘Believe the child, don’t see them as the problem, they are trying to tell you something’.
Kelly would like to see changes and improvements to police and court processes. She says ‘Having to fight for justice is difficult, it has triggered exactly the same emotions as being abused … the feeling you’re not believed’.