Laakia believes that when she was being abused, she showed ‘clues after clues, but no one understood’
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Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Laakia was sexually and physically abused by her father throughout her childhood.
She was treated in hospital for injuries, and says her behaviour at school became ‘feral’, but no one picked up that she was being abused.
Laakia comes from a Muslim Asian background. She describes it as ‘very closed in’ and says she was ‘monitored 24/7’.
Her father was a violent alcoholic and she grew up in a large family where there was a lot of fighting, and ‘everyone seemed angry’.
For as far back as she can remember, her father physically and emotionally abused her, and he began sexually abusing her when she was about six or seven years old. The abuse began with touching, kissing and putting her onto his lap and ‘doing things’. This escalated to him lying on top of her. She remembers the weight of him on her and the smell of him.
The abuse happened frequently. Once, Laakia hit her father with a heavy metal implement to try and stop him abusing her. She remembers her mother coming into the room when her father was abusing her, but doing nothing to stop him.
Laakia says ‘She never showed me any human kindness’. She says she finds this hard to deal with, although she now understands that her mother had her own traumas to deal with, because she too suffered violence from Laakia’s father.
Laakia recalls that she went to hospital quite a few times with injuries he had caused, including broken bones, but she was not questioned about this by any professionals.
Because of the abuse she suffered at home, Laakia says ‘a feral mentality kicked in so I could survive it’. At school, she became very disruptive and angry. Her behaviour and performance changed so much that she was labelled ‘special needs’; she was called ‘crazy’ and given harsh punishments. She would often fall asleep in class, and refused to eat.
At the age of 12, she was still unable to read or tell the time, until her younger brother taught her. ‘He gave me some hope; no-one else seemed to get through,’ she says.
She describes how the control exerted by her father affected all her siblings. Some of them have suffered severe mental health problems and she does not believe she was the only one he abused.
As an adult, Laakia is still significantly impacted by the abuse. Acts of kindness confuse her, and she does not like anyone touching her, but says she is now managing to ‘accept some hugs’. She is unable to have sexual relationships and does not want to have children. She still has problems sleeping and has only recently managed to sleep with the light off.
Laakia feels strongly that teachers should not label difficult children, but investigate what is not being said. She says ‘Children will come to the person they feel safest with to talk, when they are ready’, and she adds that there are very few people that actually can do this work, so they need to be trained and skilled.
She thinks it is possible that because she was from an Asian family ‘people did not want to open lids’. She says consideration needs to be given to cultural differences and that it is important for social services and other authorities to work with religious leaders ‘to help them to help us’.
Although Laakia has had years of psychotherapy, she says she ‘never really felt safe enough’ to disclose the abuse. But after hearing a radio programme about the Truth Project, Laakia found herself crying with relief, as she realised there might be a way to talk about what happened to her.
She has found peace through meditation and exercise. She feels she is ‘more attuned to understanding chaotic situations’ but does not know yet ‘how to move forward ... I have to figure it out myself’.