For Lance, being away from the ‘safe haven of home’ compounded the impact of his abuse
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Lance was 11 years old when he won a scholarship to a boarding school.
He was subjected to sexual abuse and bullying that has affected his life and relationships for many years, but has taken many steps to understand and recover from his experiences.
Lance describes his younger self as a ‘shy kid’ from a ‘lower middle/working class background’ who was ‘not particularly well adapted’ to life in a residential school away from his family.
The dormitory that Lance was placed in was supervised by two prefects who were about 16 years old. One of the prefects reorganised the dormitory so that Lance’s bed was next to his. He says the other prefect ‘disapproved’ of this but, nevertheless, it went ahead.
Lance says his memory of what happened in the dormitory is ‘not good’ but he does remember that over the next two years he was repeatedly sexually abused in the dormitory by the prefect, always at night.
He knows the other prefect was aware of what was happening and told his prefect colleague to stop. He also says the other boys in the dormitory ‘would have heard’ the abuse but it only ended when the prefect left the school.
As well as the sexual abuse, Lance also had to cope with being bullied by other pupils. He describes the severe impact this had on him and how it added to his isolation.
He says ‘When trying to make sense of the later effects on one’s life, it is only the combination of circumstances that make sense, to me … the lack of voice … seems to come from the whole experience of being away from a safe place during an important part of one’s childhood, as well as what was happening.’
The year following the prefect’s departure from the school was ‘much more relaxed’ for Lance, but the bullying from other pupils started again the following year. With the support of his parents he moved to a grammar school, where he says ‘life got back on track’.
Lance was proud to be the first member of his family to attend university, where he graduated and then went on to study for a master’s degree. He says the abuse and bullying had seemingly vanished into the past; he had ‘blocked it completely’.
He married and became the father of two healthy children. But then he says he began to ‘process a little bit’ of what had happened to him as a child. Soon after, Lance began to experience some problems in his marriage that he links to the abuse.
He had some counselling that he describes as ’helpful’ and ‘life carried on’. It was at this time that Lance told his parents of the abuse for the first time.
He describes this as ‘an incredibly difficult conversation’ for all of them and says: ‘I regret doing this, as it was so painful for them, and they didn’t understand why I hadn’t spoken out at the time.’
Some years later when his father died, Lance began to experience what he describes as ‘significant stress’. He knew that raising a young family, losing his father and looking after his mother was having an impact on him, but he recognised that what he was feeling was ‘beyond reasonable anxiety’ and ‘more than grief’.
Adding to Lance’s anxiety was a recent promotion that involved moving his family to a different part of the country. His new role proved ‘very tricky indeed’ and trying to form working relationships with ‘unpleasant’ senior colleagues led to Lance re-experiencing his abuse and bullying.
Soon after, Lance lost his mother and describes the next few years as ‘very hard’.
But the effects of the abuse were still taking their toll on him and he started thinking about suicide again. He realised he needed help and he contacted a support group that worked with victims and survivors of sexual abuse within boarding schools.
After struggling to find a therapist he felt comfortable with, he contacted the headmaster of his old school and arranged a meeting with him. He says the headmaster ‘was fantastic’ and suggested that Lance contact the prefect who had ‘disapproved’ of the abuse all those years ago.
Lance considers his meeting with the headmaster and the headmaster’s attitude toward him as a ‘major step’ towards his recovery. He did meet with the prefect but found him ‘a bit unsympathetic’, claiming not to remember anything about the abuse.
However, Lance says he felt comforted and empowered knowing he had done all he could to ‘try and make sense’ of what had happened to him. He contacted the police who, he says, were ‘brilliant, obviously highly trained’. He gave a statement but has had little feedback about what is being done with it. Nevertheless, he describes his dealings with the police as ‘a very positive process’.
Lance and his wife are still together, and he feels that he is now dealing with what happened to him as a young boy. He has recently had two extended periods of therapy with an ‘excellent’ therapist and says it has been very beneficial to work with someone ‘who finally gets it’, although Lance recognises that finding appropriate therapeutic support is ‘for so many people a struggle’.