Lawrie says for many years, he ‘coped’ with being sexually abused by not thinking or talking about it
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
When Lawrie was sexually abused at the age of nine, he didn’t understand it but he knew it was wrong.
Decades later, after the Jimmy Savile scandal came to light, he decided to speak about the abuse for the first time.
Lawrie grew up in a rural area. When he was nine years old, his parents arranged for him to go on an outdoor activity holiday, run by a commercial company.
It was a week-long residential trip for boys. The boys were assigned to groups, accompanied by a supervisor who stayed with them and took them to the various daytime activities.
At night the boys slept in bunk beds in dormitories. The supervisor would come in at around 9pm and switch off the lights.
On the first night, the man who supervised Lawrie’s group, Horatio, came back to the dormitory about half an hour after he had put the lights out.
Lawrie describes how some of the boys were clearly feeling homesick and a few were upset and crying. He adds that he wasn’t upset, he remembers feeling that he was ‘very tough’ by contrast.
But when Horatio returned to the dormitory, he came to Lawrie’s bed and started talking to him. The supervisor then sexually abused Lawrie, putting his hands down the boy’s pyjamas and touching his genitals. Horatio then started masturbating.
Lawrie says he remembers ‘not being able to make sense of what was happening’, but adds ‘I instinctively knew this was very wrong’. He was unable to speak, but he rolled over to lie on his front in the hope that this would stop the abuse.
Horatio continued to rub Lawrie’s back, then after a while he moved on to another boy in the dormitory. Lawrie remembers that he stayed with this second boy for a while.
On the second night, Horatio came in again and stopped at Lawrie’s bed. He was stroking Lawrie and talking to him, but Lawrie had turned on his front when he saw Horatio come in. Horatio persisted for a little while then again moved on to another boy in the dormitory.
The same thing happened on the third night. After that Lawrie became ill and was collected and taken home by his family.
He says he was horrified by the experience he had been subjected to. When he was in his early teens, he realised he had been sexually abused. For years after, he says he ‘blocked it’ from his memory and was unable to speak about it to anyone. But he remembers how ashamed and distressed he felt.
Lawrie feels considerable guilt that he did not speak out about it at the time, even though he was only nine years old. He has also suffered flashbacks, and says he worries about his children’s safety.
Lawrie believes there should be more rigorous vetting of people who work with children and that children should be closely supervised by trustworthy people.
Lawrie says that not allowing himself to think or talk about it for so many years was his way of coping, but publicity about the Jimmy Savile sexual abuse scandal caused him to change his approach. He felt it was right for him to speak to someone about his experiences and he decided to take part in the Truth Project.
He adds that although he was surprised how painful it was for him to talk about the abuse, he has no regrets about sharing his experience.