Leese says ‘compliant’ children may be vulnerable to abuse because they often have low self-confidence
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Leese was sexually abused by her ‘controlling’ father. She says it began with what seemed like ‘acceptable affection’.
She told a teacher about the abuse, but no action was taken.
Leese was brought up in the 1950s and 60s by her father and stepmother; her own mother died when she was very small.
She describes her home life as ‘difficult’; her father was ‘remote and controlling’ and he was violent towards her sibling. She adds that because the family frequently moved house, it was difficult for her to make friends and build relationships with teachers.
She vividly recalls the first incident of abuse, when she was 11 years old. She was sitting on her father’s shoulder and he began stroking her thighs. She says she felt straight away ‘the atmosphere was not normal’. Later that day this was confirmed for her when her father said it was their ‘secret’ and she should not tell anyone.
Looking back, Leese can see that her father groomed her for abuse by being nicer than usual, confiding in her and showing her affection that gradually became inappropriate touching. She chooses not to give details of the abuse, but makes it clear that she sees it as incest because of the way he violated the boundary of their father-daughter relationship.
Leese recalls that her sibling’s behaviour was sometimes inappropriate, including ‘minor molestations’ such as touching her bottom. She remembers challenging them about this once in front of their stepmother, but getting no support.
She says by the time she was in her early teens, she fully understood that her father’s behaviour towards her ‘was not right’. However, she was scared to tell anyone about it because she thought she might end up in a children’s home.
When Leese was in her mid teens, she spoke to a teacher about her father’s behaviour, and disclosed the sexual abuse, but the teacher did not take any action.
She managed to stop her father abusing her by refusing to speak to him, but she says she remained constantly ‘on edge’, never knowing if he would try again. She left home after taking her exams, and after that she had little contact with her family.
Leese says the abuse she suffered ‘compared to others, may not be that bad’, but the sense of violation she feels has had a significant effect on her. She has had mental health problems and has attempted suicide. She finds relationships difficult.
She has felt shame, guilt, fear, self-hate and anger. Her confidence is low; she feels she comes across as ‘prickly’ and constantly questions whether she is liked by people.
However, she adds, ‘surviving can create positive feelings too … competence and self-reliance’, even though she feels a ‘confusing inner conflict’ about this.
Leese believes a well-thought out approach to educating children about appropriate touch could help to protect them. She feels that safeguarding cannot rely on forbidding teachers, carers and other staff to touch children. Abusers will find a way round this, Leese says, and adds that if children are denied physical contact and affection, they may grow up emotionally scarred and perhaps seek inappropriate affection.
She thinks the emphasis should be on educating children about appropriate touch – that it should never be secret, and children should understand what is inappropriate and be given the confidence to ask for help if they are worried. She adds that compliant children are more likely to have lower self-confidence and need particular care and attention to ensure they are safe.
Leese would also like to see more education about abuse that occurs within the home, by people known to the victims.