Lilly says she had to learn how to be a good parent as she had only known neglect and abuse
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One of Lilly’s early memories is regularly seeing her mother with black eyes caused by her father. After a ‘huge argument’ between her parents, her mother left home. She remembers screaming as her mother walked away and ‘never looked back’.
Left with their father, Lilly and her brother were severely neglected. She says there was never any food in the house and they were often ‘starving’.
She thinks she was about five years old when her father started sexually abusing her. It began with touching her inappropriately and happened nearly every day. She remembers being terrified of going to sleep because when he came back from the pub he would often drag her by her hair from her bed, and physically and sexually abuse her.
Lilly always tried to protect her brother – even now, he tells her ‘you were my mum’ – but she thinks her father may have sexually abused him too.
She would occasionally go and see her mum and beg her not to send her home to her father, but was too embarrassed to tell her about the sexual abuse.
When Lilly was in her early teens, a friend of Lilly’s told her parents she had seen Lilly’s dad being abusive to his children. The friend’s parents questioned Lilly about her dad’s behaviour and got social services and the police involved.
Lilly was removed from her father which she says was a relief, but it was also ‘a very lonely and painful time’. Her mother remained distant and would attend police interviews with Lilly without holding her hand or even acknowledging her.
She found the police interviews humiliating. She was asked details about her father’s anatomy that she didn't understand and she felt disbelieved by everyone around her. Another relative said she must have ‘fantasised’ about her father. Lilly felt that no one believed her.
Lilly feels let down by a whole host of people. She says school was a real struggle for her; she was thought to have learning difficulties but says her issues were caused by the neglect and abuse she suffered. She was often absent from school, looking after her brother when her father was drunk.
Lilly’s father was prosecuted for emotional abuse and neglect but not for child sexual abuse.
Lilly did not receive any support or therapy during or after the court case. She says she felt very alone and that no one believed her.
She had a ‘horrible’ experience in the first foster home she was placed in, but after this she was sent to another foster carer who she says was the only person who really listened and believed her. For the first time, Lilly felt loved and safe.
She says there are still times when memories of the abuse come to her suddenly, especially if she has been triggered by certain images, smells or touch, which throw her ‘straight back to being an abused child’.
Lilly feels passionately that children need to be told that they are believed, and that abuse is not their fault. She also wants to see consistent support for those who have been sexually abused.
Lilly left school without any qualifications but returned to education and now works with children who are going through trauma.
Lilly has had counselling and is married to a very supportive husband. They have children together, and she is proud of herself for ‘breaking the chain’ and giving her children consistent and loving parenting.