Lionel says ‘I had a wasted childhood … but I’ve overcome it’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Lionel was adopted at birth, but this did not provide him with stability, safety or love. His adoptive mother was abusive and this made him vulnerable to abuse by others.
He is aware that his childhood has affected him, but is proud of all he has achieved since, and says he feels he may be lucky.
The married couple who adopted Lionel separated when he was a toddler, and he has sad memories of being in a children’s home in the 1960s, waiting by a window for a visitor who never arrived.
After about six months, his adoptive mother came to collect him. She had remarried by this time, but family life was spartan and basic. There was very little food, love or comfort and he describes how he was emotionally and psychologically neglected.
He was often left by himself, or locked in his room after school. Sometimes he kept himself warm in a shelter made out of old newspapers in the backyard. His clothes were never washed, and he remembers that he smelled and was bullied at school because of this.
Lionel gained a place in a grammar school, but his mother made him attend a comprehensive where he did not achieve and felt he was ‘a failure’. He has no recollection of a social worker or teacher asking about his family or his personal circumstances.
As he got older, he spent as much time as possible out of the family home. Keen to earn money, he took on four paper rounds, before and after school, but his mother would demand that he pay ‘keep’ and this left him with little of his earnings.
Lionel was subjected to sexual abuse by his adoptive mother on several occasions when he was between the ages of seven and 13 years. She told him ‘it didn't matter’ as she was not his biological mother, but he remembers how confused and uncomfortable he felt about it.
A relative and the owner of a shop where he worked, both male, also sexually abused Lionel. This included an attempted rape. Lionel feels guilt about what he sees as ‘being complicit’ and continuing to work in the shop. He says ‘I was looking for contact, for empathy, obviously from the wrong place’. He adds ‘Whether there was something about me, a vulnerability that people took advantage of …’
Lionel says that a neighbour, the father of one of his friends, was one of the few people who showed him any kindness. This man gave him an idea of what ‘normal parenting’ was.
Following an argument with his mother, Lionel went to live with these neighbours for a year.
He says ‘This was the start of my life”.
He was encouraged to join the armed forces, where he met his wife, and achieved qualifications and a successful career.
His adoptive mother had given a very derogatory account of his biological parents, but he managed to make contact with his birth father and this has been a very positive experience.
Lionel did not tell anyone about any of the abuse he endured – he says no one ever asked about his welfare. But recently he found the courage to share his experiences with his wife.
He is upset that he was rather remote from his own children, but realises that he did not have any healthy parenting role models.
Lionel believes that adopted children should be closely monitored and have welfare checks. He thinks if this had happened with him, his abuse could have been picked up.
He would like there to be independent mentors for children who appear to have problems or look neglected, to ask them ‘What is going on?’ and make them feel it is OK to tell someone.
Lionel emphasises that he doesn’t want his childhood experiences to define him throughout his life and he believes it is possible to overcome ‘such a desperately sad and neglected childhood’.
He says that is one of the reasons he came to the Truth Project, to deliver the message ‘It's not all doom and gloom, you can rise above it.’