Lorelai says that victim-blaming is why many people are reluctant to disclose sexual abuse
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Lorelai was a young teenager when she was groomed and sexually abused by a man in his 30s.
Her mother, her counsellor, her church and the police all said, or strongly implied, that she was at least partly responsible for being raped.
From a very young age, Lorelai was subjected to anger and violence by men who played key roles in her life. Her father verbally and physically abused his children, and her first teacher at primary school frequently hit her.
This was in the 1970s and Lorelai comments ‘There was no point complaining … there was a silence around it and no one wanted to put their head above the parapet’.
She says that she lost her confidence and became withdrawn at school. She would soil and wet herself, and she was bullied throughout her school days.
Lorelai enjoyed music and she played in an orchestra connected with the church. A new member joined and straight away started to hang around with the younger players. The man was in his 30s, and would take some of them out in his car.
When Lorelai was in her early teens, the man started showing an interest in her. After one concert he asked her to go out with him, but she felt it wasn’t right, and she said no.
But he continued paying her attention, and she says ‘He kind of worked his way in with my family’. He told them his parents were dead, and Lorelai’s mum and dad felt sorry for him and would invite him round for meals.
Lorelai says she became more comfortable with the man. As he was the best musician in the orchestra, it was arranged that he would give her lessons. These were supposed to take place in the practice room, but he picked her up in his car and said they would go to his house on the way. ‘I thought it was a bit odd, but told myself I was being stupid’ she says.
In the house, he started touching her and asking her to take her clothes off. She refused, and he took her to the music room as if nothing had happened. After practice, he started touching Lorelai again. She was in his car and had to rely on him to give her a lift home. She describes how she was really scared. ‘I froze, but there was nowhere to run to.’
At home, she says, ‘I felt dirty. I wanted to tell my family but didn’t know how to’. The next day, she tried talking to her mother about it. Her mum told her off for saying ‘slanderous’ things and said ‘Don’t be so stupid’.
Lorelai didn’t see how she could stop seeing this man. When she was in her mid teens, he raped her, and he continued doing this for nearly two years. One day, she ran away when he came to pick her up, and he did not abuse her again after that.
Some time after this, she rang a children’s helpline, and they encouraged her to talk about her experiences with someone. But it was not until a year later that she tried to tell her mother again.
And as before, her mother showed no sympathy or concern; she told Lorelai ‘You must have encouraged him … the way you dressed’. Lorelai comments that her mother chose her clothes, and that the first time this man raped her, she was wearing her school uniform.
During the time that this man was abusing her, Lorelai frequently truanted and did not eat properly. She stopped socialising with her friends. She says she wished someone would notice she was behaving out of character, but no one did.
Even when the abuser picked Lorelai up from school, no one questioned her about it. She thinks perhaps no one noticed because ‘I was just one of those children who was invisible ... I didn’t make a fuss, I was really quiet’.
As an adult, Lorelai suffered with poor mental health but she found it very difficult to access support. She was given anti-depressants and put on a long waiting list for counselling. She decided to see a private counsellor connected with her church, until she realised this person was not trained.
When Lorelai decided to report the abuse to the police, the counsellor went with her. Having heard Lorelai’s statement to the police, this person said ‘I don’t understand why you didn’t fight him’. At this point Lorelai decided she needed to find another counsellor.
She says the police acknowledged that Lorelai had been below the age of consent, but they still asked questions about what she was wearing. Later they told her they couldn’t locate the abuser, but she managed to find his family on social media and discovered he was dead.
Lorelai told someone at her church what had happened to her, and they said she had to take her ‘fair share’ of the blame for the abuse.
She feels very strongly that victim-blaming is wrong and comes from people not understanding the impact of child sexual abuse. She says ‘You already feel guilty anyway … that it’s your fault’. She lost confidence in talking about the abuse, and she finds it difficult to go to church because of the way they responded to her disclosure.
Lorelai would like to see improved access to counselling for victims and survivors, better understanding of the impact of child sexual abuse, and more awareness of its possible indicators.
Lorelai became a youth worker because she wanted to support young people. ‘I didn’t want anyone to go through what I did’ she says. She is seeing a different therapist.