Marcia used an eating disorder to stop herself developing a woman’s body which might be ‘dangerous’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Marcia grew up in a large family. Before they met, both her parents had been widowed under tragic circumstances.
She believes her mother and father were distracted by grief when she was young, and this prevented them realising that she was sexually abused on several occasions.
The first sexual abuse was perpetrated by a ski instructor when the family were on holiday in Europe. Marcia was very young and remembers another instructor being present, filming the abuse on an old-style camcorder. She thinks she had marks on her body and blood in her underwear but her mother did not notice.
Marcia believes that having been abused once, she was vulnerable to other abusers: ‘It was like you had a big sign on your head that said “prey”’. She recalls a man holding her body against him in a swimming pool when she was at junior school.
Later, she went to boarding school where she was bullied, and after a couple of years, she moved to a local comprehensive school.
Having moved back home, Marcia joined a local Scout group. The Scout leader would often talk about sexual things in the group – on one occasion a parent complained about this. She says he used pornography as a grooming ‘weapon’ to normalise abuse and he raped Marcia several times when she was a young teenager. He threatened that he would ‘move onto her little sister’ if she didn’t do what he wanted.
Marcia became pregnant by the Scout leader and miscarried at home, without her family knowing.
She says that during her early teens she expressed her unhappiness by using food as a means of control. She fluctuated between anorexia and overeating, as she thought having a woman’s body was dangerous for her. Sometimes she stopped talking and would allocate herself a limited number of words to say each day.
The next person who abused Marcia was someone she considered a school friend. They were both drunk, and when she refused to have sex he ‘went ahead’ and raped her. She says ‘I was so underweight I couldn’t fight’ but adds that she didn’t think he was ‘that bad a person’.
By the time she was in her mid-teens, Marcia was self-harming and made her first suicide attempt. She describes feeling awful about herself and worthless. She started hearing voices and hallucinating, and descended into psychosis. She was assessed but didn’t disclose the abuse.
Some time later, she spent nine months in a mental health unit where she reported the abuse she had suffered to her nurse. Two of the abusers were arrested but the police did not prosecute as there was deemed to be insufficient evidence.
Marcia was not supported when giving her statement and she thinks she left out information.
After she was discharged from the mental health unit, Marcia was allocated a dedicated mental health worker who she says provided the support she needed. She adds that she particularly appreciated that the mental health support continued unbroken after her 18th birthday.
Part of the support was family therapy in the home, which Marcia says has helped her have a positive relationship with her parents. She disclosed the abuse when she was 18. She says she has felt angry with her parents and blamed them for not protecting her, but she loves them.
Marcia is now studying at university and has a supportive partner.
Marica considers there should be more provision for young people with mental health issues, with one point of contact to coordinate support. She believes that family therapy is more helpful if it takes place in the family home and not in a professional setting.