Nara thinks being known as a ‘naughty kid’ meant her school did not act to protect her from sexual abuse
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When Nara was 11 years old, she told someone at school that her stepfather was sexually abusing her. She was warned not to abuse the ‘great power’ she had.
Nara grew up in the 1970s and 80s. Her parents were separated and she and her sibling lived with their mother. When Nara was eight years old, her mother married again.
She says ‘I was outgoing and loud and more likely to get into mischief’, and adds that her sibling ‘was more under the radar’.
Nara was sexually abused by her stepfather. She has different memories of the grooming and the abuse, some of which are fragmented, but says ‘I am pretty sure the first incident of what you’d call abuse happened when I was 10’.
When Nara was in her first year at secondary school, she told a friend what her stepfather was doing to her. Her friend was worried and passed it on to a teacher. Nara was called to the headteacher’s office and she remembers this made her feel she was in trouble.
The head asked Nara ‘How much of what you’ve been saying is true?’ and then told her to go home and speak to her mother.
Nara continues ‘Mum said she’d had a feeling something was not right, and said “Leave it to me”’. She heard her mother and stepfather arguing, then he apologised to Nara that ‘things got out of hand’ and said it would not happen again.
A meeting was held at school with social services, but Nara’s mum was invited and she had warned Nara she had to ‘keep it in the family’.
Nara has since realised that at the time, there were a lot of stories in the media about children being removed by social services. She says ‘I think she was genuinely afraid we’d be taken away. She was willing to go to any lengths to keep the family together’.
When the social worker asked Nara if her stepfather had abused her, she did as her mother told her, and said he hadn’t. Afterwards, in another meeting on her own, the headteacher told Nara she should be careful not to abuse the ‘great power’ she had.
Nara says at the time she didn’t understand this comment, but ‘Now I know she thought I was lying’. She adds ‘It didn’t help that I was one of the “naughty kids”’.
At the time, Nara says she was hopeful that things would be ok with her stepfather from then on. ‘He had been a father figure. I loved him and wanted him to be a normal dad.’
But he continued sexually abusing her intermittently. She says it must have become more difficult for him, as she grew to hate him and tried to avoid him as much as possible. When Nara was in her mid teens she left home.
She says ‘By then I was a bit of a car crash’. She got involved in a series of what she describes as ‘dodgy, destructive relationships and bad situations’.
Nara had some counselling as a young adult but did not find it very helpful. She married and had children, and when she was in her 30s, she developed severe stress, anxiety, depression and agoraphobia, and had a breakdown.
She had more counselling and some therapy, and is continuing with this when she feels she needs it.
Nara says that as far as she knows, there was no more involvement from any authorities after the meetings at school. She has tried to obtain her records but has been told they are not available.
She feels strongly that the social worker should not have interviewed her in front of her mother, and the headteacher should not have made her feel she was naughty, and a liar.
Through knowledge acquired in her work, Nara feels reassured that safeguarding procedures today are effective and there is much better accountability and record-keeping.
Nara feels she will always be affected by the abuse. ‘The ripples go on forever … I’ll never know who I could have been or what I could have achieved.’
But she adds that she is happy in her work, her marriage and as a mother. ‘I am grateful I got through to the other side. I know in the grand scheme of things I’m very fortunate.’