When Nola reported sinister online sexual abuse, the police asked her if she had led the abuser on
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Nola was subjected to years of online sexual abuse and sinister threats from a man who also seemed to be physically watching her.
The police did not seem to take her report seriously and she is still frightened of the abuser.
Nola had a lonely childhood. Her father died when she was very young and her mother struggled with this loss. Nola often stayed with her grandparents.
When she was about 12 years old, she began playing an online game that encouraged interaction between teenagers.
A player called Miles, who said he was 16, began to chat to her. They soon started messaging privately and he sent her pictures of a teenage boy that he said were of him.
Nola did have some suspicions about Miles because sometimes he said things that made her think he might be older. When she asked him if he was really 16, he became angry, then suggested a video chat to prove to her he was a teenager. However, when they did this he said his camera wasn’t working.
Nola relates ‘He kept saying “I don’t know what’s gone wrong with it” and I just believed him … I was lonely and it was nice to have someone to talk to’.
She continues ‘He seemed really nice and always said the right things … he knew my situation and would always ask how things were with my mum. He found ways to find out everything about my life in a trusting, loving way’.
Soon after, Miles told Nola that he was 21.
They continued talking online, with Nola’s camera on but not his. Miles paid her compliments which gradually became more sexual. He asked her to strike poses for him that sexualised her.
Nola says ‘I wasn’t ok that he was 21, and we talked less, and it got a bit sour’. After a while, Miles said that he had taken photos of Nola which he would use against her if she didn’t do what he wanted. He informed her that he was in his 30s and that he loved her, and she was going to marry him and have his children.
She tried to hide from him and he then began to describe what she had been wearing at school, and who she had been walking with, in detail that he could have only known if he had physically seen her.
It became clear that Miles knew a lot more about Nola’s life, including where she lived and the names of her friends. He admitted that he had been watching her, and threatened to send the pictures to her school and her family.
Nola describes how trapped and frightened she felt. ‘He was so angry and so scary I knew I couldn’t ignore him. I was living with my mum. She wasn’t well and I couldn’t talk to her. He knew so much information I had never told him, like my best friend’s name and where she lived. He had my address and I know I never gave him any addresses.’
She was 13 at the time. ‘It really scared me but I thought if I ignored it it would go away.’ Then Miles told her he was really sad and she felt very guilty.
Over the next three years, Miles became increasingly threatening and controlling. He sent Nola gifts and large sums of money, then demanded she do things for him in return. Online, he made her take her clothes off and touch herself while he masturbated. He described lurid and violent sexual fantasies that he wanted to enact with her. He rang the landline of her house and just breathed if her mum answered it.
As he became more controlling, Nola tried to appease him. She relates ‘If I played along he was OK, but if I ever pushed back the threats got worse. It was a never ending spiral as he had worse and worse pictures of me’.
‘He wanted to meet and I always said no. But he often told me where I’d been and what I was wearing.’ By this time she knew what he looked like because he had appeared on camera, and one day she saw him outside school.
Nola felt too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone about the online sexual abuse she was being subjected to. Terrified that he was stalking her, she began to miss school.
The abuse stopped for a while when Nola told Miles she had a boyfriend. However, after a few years Miles began contacting her again.
Although she felt he might think badly of her, Nola told her boyfriend what was happening. In fact, he was very supportive and persuaded her to tell the police.
Nola did so, but she says they did not seem interested in helping her. By this time she was in her mid teens. They asked her why she had accepted gifts from Miles, why she continued talking to him, and whether she had led him on. ‘I had so much evidence and they didn’t want to look at it’ she says.
She has now accessed the crime reports and discovered they are full of factual errors. The police classified Miles’s behaviour as harassment, but not a crime, and assessed the risk to her as low. ‘They even put that he had incited sexual activity as a minor, but still classed it as harassment’ she says, adding that they also knew Miles had her address. They said all they could do was contact Miles and tell him to leave Nola alone. The police did not inform her mother or social services.
In an attempt to escape Miles, Nola moved away from her home and cut herself off from her family and friends. ‘I just left and ran away’ she says.
For a while she heard nothing from him, then she was shocked that he found her again online. She reported him to the police again, and says they were helpful at first and expressed shock at how the initial report was handled. She is waiting to hear from them.
The online sexual abuse Nola has suffered has impacted her life significantly. She says that missing so much education has adversely affected her life. She has anxiety, panic attacks and nightmares, and takes medication for depression. She has self-harmed and attempted to take her own life.
Nola believes that the police should always tell parents and other relevant institutions if they are approached by a young person under 18 about child sexual abuse. She adds that schools should always take action when any pupil’s attendance is low.
She has rebuilt her relationships with her family and friends, but is terrified that Miles will continue stalking her online, or will possibly find her. ‘I think I'm never ever going to be free of him’ she says.