Rach says ‘Survival was the main aim in our house … don’t bring attention to yourself’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Rach grew up in circumstances of almost unimaginable neglect, depravity and abuse.
Despite this, she was returned several times from care to the family home, even after she became pregnant by her father at the age of 12.
Rach grew up in the 1960s and 70s. She was the only girl in a large family. Her mother was in her mid-teens when she had her first baby and Rach describes feeling a coldness from her, with no hugs or nurturing. Most of the time the children were left to their own devices, or told to stay in their room.
Her father was a brutal and violent man. Rach says ‘I learned from a very early age to be quiet’ in order to avoid his rage. He beat his wife and children regularly, and one day Rach’s mother ran away with the youngest child.
Left with their father, the other children suffered severe beatings from him and were so hungry they resorted to eating pet food. A relative intervened, and the children were taken into care. Rach was placed with foster parents but suffered more neglect and abuse. She was not fed properly and the foster father forced her to perform oral sex on him in exchange for food.
Rach was moved to a children’s home for a while, then returned to her parents. She told her parents what the foster father had done to her. She says that for a time ‘everything was ok’ but then her father started to sexually abuse her.
He was just as violent and volatile as before. He regularly raped Rach. She was at primary school and sometimes he assaulted her before school.
One day, Rach’s father raped her so violently that her mother took her, still bleeding, to hospital. She says ‘This was one of the only occasions my mum held me’.
She had stitches and was admitted to hospital. Her mother told staff that her daughter had fallen on a stick and no one questioned this.
When Rach came home from the hospital, her father continued raping her, sometimes anally. She was frequently absent from school for long periods.
When her mother was sent to prison, the children were taken into care again. They spent time in a home run by a children’s charity. Here, Rach says, there was physical abuse and she was sexually abused by some older boys.
However, because this abuse seemed less horrific than the abuse perpetrated by her father, she describes the home as ‘amazing … with school, cinema, clinic … everything you could possibly dream of’.
But a few months later, the children were returned to the family home.
Rach tried to avoid her father as much as possible but he continued raping her. She had started secondary school and says ‘I noticed my body was changing’. After a school medical examination, it was confirmed that she was pregnant.
A social worker was involved and Rach was sent to a home for ‘wayward girls’ where she gave birth. She was told the baby would be adopted but this didn’t happen, and she returned home with the infant. Her father continued raping her and beating her violently.
The next time Rach got pregnant by her father, he arranged a termination.
She made several attempts to take her own life.
A turning point came when Rach’s father beat and raped her in front of her small child. She says ‘I thought in that moment … When is he going to start on her?’ She left the house and went to a police station.
She gave a statement, was physically examined and her injuries were photographed. Her father was arrested and later jailed. But when Rach returned home, thinking her family would be grateful, they turned on her and told her to leave.
Rach took her child and went to live with a relative. She was assigned the same social worker she had before, who told Rach she had suspected her father was abusing her. But she failed to act appropriately.
A few years later, Rach gave her child up for adoption.
Rach outlines many impacts as a result of her childhood experiences. She still has scars on her body from being beaten. She had very little education because she was absent from school so much. She is hypervigilant and suffers from flashbacks, and she finds it very difficult to trust people and make friends. She feels she lacks empathy, especially if people moan about trivial things, and worries that means she must be selfish.
She feels she was let down by many professionals during her childhood, including social workers who kept sending her home, and medical staff who did not seem to question her underage pregnancies and injuries.
Rach now works in mental health services and has supported people affected by family violence. She believes that services are better at recognising abuse, but is concerned that they are ‘being starved of funding’. She adds ‘We are told to do more with less’.
Rach no longer has any contact with her birth family, but has a supportive partner.