Ruben cannot understand why he and his siblings were left so long in appalling conditions at home
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Ruben and his two siblings lived with their mother, who was abusive and neglectful.
She often went out and left them in the care of a teenage neighbour, who sexually abused all three children. Ruben says the way he feels about the abuse is almost secondary to his anger that social services did not remove the children from their mother.
Ruben’s father had a string of affairs and left the family when the children were small. His mother had a number of different boyfriends throughout their childhood.
He describes their living conditions as ‘appalling’ and there are numerous entries about this in his extensive social services records, including a note that the house was covered in dog excrement.
When Ruben and his siblings were left in the care of the teenage neighbour, they were made to share a bed with him. He sexually abused the three children many times over two years. Ruben was eight years old when this began, his siblings a few years younger.
He told his mother about the abuse but she told him it was ‘dirty’ and not to mention it again. She carried on sending her children to the babysitter, and Ruben thinks she was more concerned about being able to go out at night. She often beat the children and he knew it was best not to disobey her.
He relates that when his sibling was six years old, he saw semen on their underwear after the neighbour had taken them to a shed. He knew what it was because the abuser had ejaculated on him and his siblings before. The assault was reported to the police but no action was taken.
As Ruben got older he would go to the abuser’s home on his own accord, sacrificing himself to try and protect his younger siblings from being abused. He says that to this day he feels more angry about what the abuser did to his younger siblings than he does for himself.
Ruben says his mother was frequently unwell throughout his childhood and when he was a pre-teenager she became seriously ill and was not expected to survive. The three children were given separate foster placements but returned to their mother months later when she made an unexpected recovery.
However, she continued to neglect the children and they were again given separate foster placements until adulthood.
Ruben feels extremely let down by social services. He has copies of his records and says the large number of concerns noted are ‘staggering’. Social services seem to have been regularly involved with the family for at least five years before they intervened and removed the children.
He feels strongly he and his siblings should have been removed from their mother at a much earlier stage, and that social services failed in their duty to keep him and his siblings safe. He says ‘It sounds strange but the sexual abuse is almost incidental ... it’s the terrible neglect and that’s what makes me angry’.
He is also disappointed that they were not able to spend their later childhood together because of the separate placements.
He believes social workers had more than enough evidence that the children were living in appalling conditions and were vulnerable due to their mother’s lifestyle. He is frequently described in his records as being ‘withdrawn and troubled’ but there does not seem to have been an exploration into the reasons for this.
Ruben wants to emphasise to professionals working with children the importance of understanding that ‘sometimes it's not best for children to be with their natural parents. If their natural parents are incompetent, don't leave them there’.
Ruben knows that he has been significantly affected by his difficult life and the sexual abuse. He suffers with anxiety and depression, and struggles to manage his emotions and anger.
He says he has a very supportive wife, who has stood by him through very difficult times. He knows he is not an easy person to be with because if anyone gets too close he sees it as a potential threat. He adds that he drinks too much alcohol and would describe himself as a ‘functioning alcoholic’.
Ruben generally does not like men he says, and for example, would never allow a male doctor to touch him. He has been violent towards men in the past and has a criminal record. He recognises this is due to the anger he has not been able to address and let go of.
He admits that he has often thought about seeking revenge on his abuser but says he would not because it would affect the people he cares about. He believes the sexual abuse has made him a very protective parent and says he is ‘quite paranoid’ when it comes to his children’s safety.
He concludes ‘For me, it's a dangerous world and I’ve known that since childhood’.