Samual says ‘I have spent 40 years building defences because no one supported me’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Samual suffered a family tragedy and then a priest, who was supposed to support him, sexually abused him.
He believes that this could have been prevented if he had had counselling to help him manage the effects of trauma from his grief and loss.
Soon after Samual started secondary school, he witnessed the sudden and unexpected death of a close family member, which traumatised him and his whole family. His mother suffered from poor mental health following this tragedy and Samual says ‘my father’s sole focus was on her’.
He adds that he was particularly affected because he saw the family member die and felt that his family thought about that every time they looked at him. As a young boy he felt blamed and rejected, and he says he cut himself off from his family emotionally.
The tragedy occurred in the 1970s and Samual did not receive any counselling, but his parents encouraged him to spend time with their priest, who was considered a friend of the family. ‘I believe that he used his position to gain their trust’ Samual says. ‘But he took advantage of my vulnerability for his own gain.’
The priest began taking Samual on outings and to youth activities. He groomed and sexually abused the boy over three or four years. Samual does not recall all incidents of abuse, but he is increasingly experiencing flashbacks. He remembers being on a bed in the priest’s house and the priest performing oral sex on him.
The abuse ended when Samual was in his mid-teens, and he felt old enough to keep away from the priest.
Samual has had counselling in recent years. He has also read a lot and now understands how the brain responds to traumatic situations.
He realises his experiences have affected his ability to trust people and have relationships. He suffers with chronic PTSD and dissociates from his body when he feels stressed. At times he has questioned his sexuality and has drunk heavily.
Samual feels that if he and his family had had bereavement counselling, it would have made a tremendous difference to their mental health. He believes that if he had been given the appropriate help, he would not have been vulnerable to the sexual abuse by the priest.
He believes it is essential that all concerned professionals are trained to understand the effects of trauma and how to provide services and support to people who have gone through traumatic experiences. He says ‘People need to understand the risks to a child who has suffered such horrific trauma. Trauma victims dissociate, but you are also on constant alert and it’s exhausting’.
Samual says he has a loving partner and he takes pride and pleasure in being a good father. ‘I can concentrate on what I’ve lost … but at the same time it has given me great empathy and I feel very capable’ he adds.