Tallulah says ‘For a long while I wasn't even sure if what happened to me was “proper” abuse’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
When Tallulah was a young teenager, she was sexually abused on holiday by a family friend.
She gives an eloquent account of how for a child under such circumstances, understanding abuse and boundaries can be very difficult and confusing.
Tallulah was invited on the trip with a group of people her family knew through societies and activities in their local community. She remembers her mother paid a considerable amount of money for her to go, and how she appreciated this, as she knew money was tight after her parents’ divorce.
The man who abused Tallulah was a leading figure in the circle of friends and she describes him as always being very ‘close and cuddly’ towards everyone.
The first incident took place in the main living area of the accommodation. Tallulah walked in and found the man and his wife playing a game. He put his arm around Tallulah and cuddled her to him, then started to fondle one of her breasts.
Tallulah says she is not sure if his wife saw what was happening, but if she did, she definitely did not say anything. She adds ‘I didn't say anything because I didn't know how. I also felt it might have been an accident … if it happened now I feel like I'd jump up and yell “what the hell do you think you’re doing?”’
She comments ‘When you're that age you just don't know what to do. This is how abusers get away with it … I think sexual abuse can be very confusing'.
The man sexually abused Tallulah again on the holiday in a more invasive way, when she was in her bed reading. She says she tried to say something to one of the other girls on the trip but ‘I said it in such a roundabout way it wasn’t clear what I meant. I didn't want to just come out and say it as I was too scared that she wouldn't believe me and she'd go and tell the others’.
Tallulah describes how when she got home she scrubbed herself intensely in the shower. She says ‘It sounds irrational but it felt like I couldn't get his fingerprints off me’.
A few days later, Tallulah told her mum what had happened and the abuse was reported to the police. She recalls feeling ‘railroaded by the whole thing’, saying she spoke to the police because she felt she had to.
The abuser was arrested but denied everything. There was no evidence and Tallulah did not want to go to court, and so the complaint was not taken any further. She was offered a referral to the victim support service but did not feel it would help.
Tallulah stopped going to community activities after this. The abuser told everyone what he had been accused of, and many people worked out that she was the one who had made an allegation. A lot of children at her school heard about it, and she says ‘They made my life hell. I didn't feel believed by anyone really’.
She feels the sexual abuse has had a massive impact on her life. She says she has spent a long period of her life questioning if the experience was sexual abuse, and she has suffered with anxiety and panic attacks. She has also struggled with sexual relationships, saying ‘I felt like letting people touch me was a bad thing’.
Tallulah still lives in the local area and occasionally sees her abuser. She tries to avoid him although she says she knows ‘I shouldn't be the one hiding’.