Timmo says ‘There were so many children … it scares me to think what happened’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Timmo was sent on regular retreats that were a ‘reward’ from his Catholic church for being an altar boy.
One of the priests in charge of these trips sexually abused him, and he believes the same thing happened to many other children.
Timmo grew up in the 1960s and 70s. He describes growing up with no love or care from his parents. His father was a ‘hardline Catholic’ and a harsh and violent man, and Timmo was very frightened of him. His mother was an alcoholic.
When he was nine years old, Timmo became an altar boy at the local Catholic church. Each year, the altar boys were taken on a two-week religious retreat at a remote coastal location. The trips were supervised by nuns and priests, along with some parents.
On the first of these trips, one of the priests, Father Alexander, befriended Timmo. He gave him sweets and showed him affection. ‘We got on really well … I would sit on his lap, he used to hug me’ Timmo recalls.
The next time Timmo went on the retreat, Father Alexander was waiting to meet him, and he remembers thinking this was ‘a bit odd’. Again, they spent a lot of time together.
Timmo remembers being conscious that when the priest cuddled him, he put his hands on Timmo’s bottom and near his private parts. But, he says, ‘It didn’t concern me at that point … I thought nothing of it because he gave me love that I wasn’t getting at home’.
Father Alexander would take him for walks on the beach, or to explore old ruins. The priest would take Timmo back to the group after an hour or two, and take another child off.
Timmo says that because he was getting very little love at home, he felt jealous when Father Alexander went off with other children.
On these walks with the priest, Timmo knows that something of a sexual nature happened that really frightened him. His memory of what occurred is vivid but fragmented. ‘I remember it like it was yesterday, but I can’t remember what scared me. I’m afraid to remember what scared me’ he says.
When he returned home, he developed severe problems with nervous tics and nightmares. He says he never had a good night’s sleep. He remembers ‘It drove my parents mad but they didn’t help me, they just let it carry on’.
Timmo continued attending the annual retreats, with Father Alexander taking him on walks away from the group. Some of the other clergymen did the same with different children.
He recalls that the people who supervised the children were very strict about not allowing them in the sea, but were not at all concerned about the priests and monks taking them off alone. He says ‘It was constant … take one child, come back, take another child’.
Timmo adds that there was a constant stream of children arriving for free holidays, including many from poor families. He thinks some of the children were as young as six years old, and says it was always the young ones who were taken for walks, never the teenagers.
When Timmo’s family moved house, he stopped attending the retreats.
Timmo was in his mid teens when his father died. His mother was still drinking heavily, and he left home and lived on the streets ‘because it was safer’. He saw the damage that drugs did to other homeless people, and vowed never to take any himself.
Timmo has been deeply affected by his experiences on the religious retreats. He attempted to take his own life more than once, but was unable to talk to the hospital psychiatrist about his feelings.
He says his sex life was severely affected and he could not maintain a relationship until he met his wife. They have a strong and supportive marriage, although it still took him decades to tell his wife about his experiences. He has no other friends and doesn’t socialise because he can’t trust anyone. ‘That’s a horrible feeling’ he says.
He suffers with anger, anxiety and depression that gets triggered at intervals, but he always tells his doctor it is work-related stress.
Timmo is also troubled with feelings of guilt that he did not speak out about the abuse by the priests and monks. He says ‘There were so many children. It scares me to think what happened’.
He feels angry with the Catholic church, the people who were supposed to be supervising the children on the retreats, and the priest who abused him. ‘He was supposed to be my friend’ he says. ‘I was a shy, vulnerable child who hardly spoke.’
Timmo comments that seeing different GPs makes it impossible for him to confide in them. ‘How can you explain to a doctor when they are here today, gone tomorrow?’ he asks.
He believes that people are more aware of child protection now, but he emphasises that the most important thing is that people put in charge of children must be trustworthy.
Timmo wonders whether life might have been different if he had been given the right help when he was a distressed child. He says the problems he has don’t get any easier, and working constantly is the only way for him to keep them at bay.
But, he says, his wife is very good to him, and his home is his sanctuary. ‘I don’t know how to cope, but you have to try and live the best you can.’