Zachary says ‘I wish I could go back to the boy I was when I was eight. I was very happy’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
During his early years, Zachary was raised by his grandparents.
His stability and wellbeing were shattered when his mother took him away. She lived with her female partner, who psychologically and sexually abused Zachary, and later became violent towards him.
Zachary describes his grandfather as the most important person in his life. He says that he was happy until he was eight years old, when his mother moved him and her partner into a two-bedroomed flat.
It was the 1970s, and they lived on a deprived estate in a small town. Zachary explains that his mother and her partner were not open about being gay, but ‘everyone knew’.
The sexual abuse he endured went on for three years. He says ‘I was young – I remember specific events but a lot is impressionistic. It was going on constantly, and must have happened hundreds of times. That was my world’.
He has a clear memory that the abuse began at bathtimes, and involved his mother’s partner soaping and touching him inappropriately, and masturbation. He says the door was always closed.
Zachary also recalls being in bed with her. He says ‘She would pretend to be asleep … I remember being in between her legs … I don’t remember penetration but I’m not sure at that age, nine or 10, it would have been possible’.
His abuser took further opportunities to sexually abuse Zachary when she took him on outings, such as shopping trips or visits to her relatives.
He explains that she manipulated him to believe that this sexual abuse by an adult woman on a pre-pubescent boy was a loving relationship. He says ‘In my head I felt we were having a love affair and we would run away together … it sounds ridiculous now’.
At the same time, he describes a toxic relationship between his mother and his abuser, with constant arguments and physical fights. He adds that on their annual holiday, the two women would get him drunk every night, but he does not recall sexual abuse on these trips.
He firmly believes that his mother must have been aware of what her partner was doing to him in their small flat. He remembers his abuser very obviously touching his genitals when the three of them were sitting closely together watching television.
Zachary did not tell anyone he was being abused as he was so manipulated he thought that he was in control of it.
The sexual abuse ceased when he was 11 years old, after his mother commented on his physical development, saying ‘You are a man now’. He remembers there being a tense scene that he did not understand, between his mother and his abuser.
He says ‘After that her behaviour completely changes … almost as if she hates me’.
Both his abuser and his mother became verbally and physically violent towards him, and this continued until he left home at the age of 18. He describes the confusion this caused him, saying ‘The weird thing is I think the physical and verbal abuse that went on was worse … the way they flipped’.
Reflecting on the impact of being abused, Zachary says ‘I don’t think it’s ever not affected me’.
At school he started wetting himself, and his behaviour deteriorated so much that he was excluded. He says ‘I think I wanted someone to notice … a teacher, or someone’.
By the time he was in his early teens, he was drinking heavily. He had violent thoughts and trouble sleeping.
When Zachary was in his late 20s, his grandfather died and he was devastated at this loss. He went for grief counselling but did not talk about being abused and did not find it helpful.
He began a relationship with a woman and confided in her about the abuse. She was loving and supportive, but he says ‘Being in love seemed to trigger a lot of dark stuff’ and he describes himself becoming ‘out of control’ on drink and drugs.
Although Zachary left school with no qualifications, he has since become successful in the field of creative arts and says this has helped him cope.
He now intends to report his sexual abuse to the police. When he informed his mother, her main concern was to insist she did not know about the abuse. He says ‘How she can claim not to have known is beyond me. She always put her sex life before me. She should have left me at my grandparents’.
He concludes ‘I don’t want the abuse to control the rest of my life; I am sick of that. I could be normal and have a family. I want my day in court.’