Zoya says ‘There is a massive link between loving yourself and recovery’
All names and identifying details have been changed.
Participants have given us permission to share their experiences.
Zoya was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by her mother.
She feels she has had good mental health support that has helped her rebuild her life.
Zoya’s father is white and her mother comes from south Asia. She says her mother ‘didn’t have proper parenting’, and was sexually and emotionally abused as a child.
Zoya was close to her father when she was a child, even though he was away from home a lot. But by the time she was about five years old, she was aware that her mother didn’t like her.
Zoya’s mother excluded her from the family, beat her with household implements and burned her. Her mother made it obvious she preferred Zoya’s brother, and he was encouraged to belittle and emotionally abuse Zoya too.
When Zoya was about seven, her mother started sexually abusing her. Zoya remembers her mother would tell her ‘This is what your father wants to do to you’, and this made her feel she could no longer trust her father, who was the only person she was close to.
She thinks that her father ‘was aware but he chose to be unaware’ of the abuse her mother was subjecting her to, and he did not intervene to protect her.
Zoya says she was ‘weird’ as a child, and this, along with her dual heritage, meant that she was bullied in school.
As a young teenager, she started taking drugs, going to clubs and having sex. She began sleeping out because she didn’t want to be at home. Sometimes she would go to a station waiting room and she remembers how the railway staff would give her tea and toast, and lend her a coat to keep her warm.
Some time later, Zoya moved to a different school and made positive friendships. She says she felt safe here, and she stopped taking drugs. She adds that her mother ‘lost interest in me when she lost control of me’.
Zoya has struggled with her mental health and has been admitted to psychiatric long stay care. She praises the support she has had from the staff teams in these settings. She became involved in a violent relationship and has a criminal record, but knows that she ‘has come a long way’ in spite of all the challenges she has faced.
Zoya feels there needs to be more awareness of females who sexually abuse children. She says that it is important not to assume that the perpetrators of sexual abuse are men.
She now has ‘a wonderful partner’ and a good relationship with her father, but says she cannot allow her mother into her life. ‘It’s too destructive.’ She adds ‘I feel very sorry for my mother but I don’t hate her anymore’.
Zoya is involved in charity work and wants to help others so that they will not harm themselves as she did. She says ‘I used to wake up and hope I was dead. Now I wake up and I’m so glad I’m alive’.